Alaska Bound

300 Miles to Nowhere

2007-08-03T23:40:00.000-08:00

Our plan was to visit Seward, but that was quickly replaced by Soldotna. Had I known what was in store, I probably would have just stayed home. Thank God I didn’t.

It was sometime after 8:30pm that we limped into Anchorage. One foot was broken - the other was missing. We had traveled around 300 miles in just over 6 hours. I suppose it would be a good time for a dog sled team. The problem was that we were driving a car. My butt had been glued to the seat for at least an hour more than it should have. Things were starting to go numb, and sadly I was starting to enjoy the feeling.

The road to Soldotna is as much a road race as a pleasure cruise. There is nothing like doing 75-80mph while looking at a lake, “who’s colors just can’t exist”, and then realizing that a 1200lb bull moose just walked into your path. You jam on the brakes praying that you don’t hit the thing. Not because you don’t want to kill it, but because you don’t want it to kill you. The moose are dangerous. The people are downright insane.

This is "Moosie". He is still undecided on which vehicle he is going to run in front of.

No need to follow any laws out here I told Dianne. Civilization is 300 miles behind us I said. That’s when I saw the cop with flashing lights. Luckily it was in front of us and already pulled off to the side of the road. As we drew closer I noticed the yellow police “do not cross” tape. It was a sure sign that something, “serious” had happened. As we passed I got a glimpse of just how serious. Someone, or something was covered in a blue tarp. Just about the size of a person, and with either human like feet, or a moose that was wearing tennis shoes.

About this time, Dianne turns to me and says, “Well, so far we’ve seen 2 sheep, one moose, and a dead body, I wonder what’s next”? I was too busy craning my neck to try to get a look at the body to hear what she said. I asked her if we should turn around and drive back to get a better look. She didn’t think it was a good idea. I mumbled something about getting a good picture, but it was too late. We were passing a naked man with a walking stick. I think he may have been hitch hiking, but we didn’t stop to find out.

About the moment that we reached our destination was about the same time that we decided to go home. I mentioned eating and Dianne agreed that food was good. Finding a place to eat wasn’t hard. It was the first place we stopped. Sal’s Dinner was the order of the day. From the outside it looked strangely like it had been there for 70 or so years. Faded paint, dirt lot, strange people. I liked the looks, so we went in.

I was handed a newspaper. It turned out that the paper was also the menu. We sat down and I read. Dianne asked me what I wanted, and I quickly replied, “The fried fish sandwich and a Ford f-250”. I didn’t think she got the joke, so I quickly told her that the Ford was on page 4. She just shook her head. The food was very good, but what was amazing were the cinnamon buns. They were the size of entire loaves of bread. I asked the waitress about them, and she replies, “yea, those are the small ones”. Thinking she was joking, I said, “yea, right..” She was not joking. She went over and pulled out something that was the size of a bread box. She needed two hands to hold it, and said it was heavy. I believed her. It was the largest baked thing I had ever seen. I quickly wondered where you get a pan to bake something that large. One slice of this thing was probably bigger than most dinner plates. I stared in amazement.

This is Sals Diner. They serve the largest cinnamon buns on the planet, or at least the largest that I have ever seen...

The ride home was much like the second time on a roller coaster. It was exciting, and fun, but it lacks the thrill and excitement of not knowing what is just around the corner. The fear of death that comes with every twist and turn. The newness of the act has been replaced with the fact that you will survive and that there is an end to your journey. The moose have moved on, the bodies have been removed, and the sun is setting fast - Time to go home.

Searching for Bobby Fischer

2007-07-19T17:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have been a bit lax on the postings lately….. I know, I know, you live for this stuff….yea, right. In any case, I have given up my old hobby of drinking until I pass out for a more frustrating one - chess. Yep, I am teaching myself a game that will drive you to drink. Since I was not very good at drinking (I never won that game either) it comes as no surprise that I am not that good at chess. I know, most of you would say that someone that has only been playing chess for 2 weeks is going to stink like last weeks garbage, but I am different. I expected to be able to play on a grand master level in at least…..well, I thought I would be there by now. I have however been ever so slightly disappointed. You see, as it turns out, chess is a game that takes years to master, or at least that is what the internet says… Had I known this before investing so much time into it, I would have just had another drink. Unfortunately for me I did not know this two weeks ago. So here I am, sitting quietly trying to remember that white should open with E4 and that loosing is a learning experience, not a devaluation of your manhood. I guess that would be good advice, but for someone that can’t beat a retarded three year old, I am starting to get a complex. I suppose that I have to remember that the road is long, and in the end, it is really the journey, not the destination that counts. I may be learning to play bingo if this doesn’t work out…

Ebola

2007-06-07T09:51:00.000-08:00

This is the Ebola virus. I took this picture with a scanning electron microscope that I keep in the bathroom. Don’t ask where I keep the Ebola….

I was woken the other day out of a blissful sleep to the words that a man fears the most. Dianne woke me and said, “I think the dog has Ebola”. My response was, “Ok, ok honey, and my overies are killing me. Can we go back to bed now?” No, really she said. I think he is going to kill us with some strange disease that he picked up from a moose, or worse yet, a bear. I really just wanted to go back to bed, but I was curious as to what it was that was going to kill me and cause a plague on the nation of Alaska. So I rolled over and looked at the dog. He was staring at me like I could rescue him from the arms of his mother (Dianne). She had a grip on him that was slightly less than that of a strangle hold. I looked at his face and quickly recoiled. It was Ebola, or at least some sort of flesh eating disease that was not there 24 hours ago. It was an open wound just below his left ear that was about the size of a golf ball. After getting over the initial shock, I quickly told Dianne to throw him off the bed. She angrily asked why. I said, “He is diseased and going to kill us, now throw the plague ridden dog down. She slowly released him and he quickly ran under the couch (The couch is still a plastic lawn chair from Home Depot). After much discussion we decided that we would take him to the vet to be diagnosed. I was in favor of cooking the non-Ebola parts, but I was over ruled by the wife, and the dog. So we made an appointment for the next day.

Much to my surprise, the Doctor really liked dogs, and Nick(the dog) seemed to really like her. I could just hear the dog telling her about my cooking comments… She quickly diagnosed the problem as something I thought was just another name for Ebola, but as it turned out, it was just a hot spot. A hot spot you ask? Yes. I asked the same question. What is a hot spot? I had not attempted to cook him yet, so whatever it was, I knew it was not my fault. The doctor went on to explain that hot spots are things that dogs get, and are not related to Ebola, or any flesh eating disease that we could catch. I was very relieved. We could keep the dog, and I would not have to worry about loosing my boyish good looks. The doctor took him away and when she came back, she handed me the dog, and a bill that was almost as heavy. I told Dianne to pay the bill, that me and the dog were going to pass out in the car.

Summer Days

2007-05-26T21:58:00.001-08:00

This is my new, “Fishing Pole Antenna”. I use it to listen to the radio and fish at 60mph. I guess you could call that speed fishing… Click on the picture to get a closer look.

….And like a bad habit - I’m back. It seems that sometime while I was sleeping, the snow melted, the sun came out, and the grass turned green. I think they call it Summer, or something like that. All I know is that construction is going on at a fever pitch. My favorite dirt lot was paved, and there are rumors that they are going to turn it into a restaurant. I will now have to look for rocks elsewhere. The ravens that circled my sleeping body during winter have now been replaced by seagulls. They screech and dive at me, daring me to feed them McDonalds® fries - They will not get my fries.

I am having a hard time sleeping. We are getting somewhere on the order of just over 21 hours of daylight, and it is getting longer. It will climax on June 21st when the sun decides that it will not set, but just kind of does loops in the sky. Around that time we will have about 24 hours of usable daylight. This is great if you happen to be a potted plant, but can cause some problems if you happen to be a mammal that tends to enjoy sleeping. Lately I have been getting up at 8am. To most people, that would sound great, but the problem is that I have been going to bed at about 4am. Yea….4 hours sleep. The past few days (I say days because there really aren’t any nights right now…) I have seen the sun set and rise within about 3 hours. The moon is in the same sky as the sun most of the time and the rivers are going to start flowing red again. No, not with blood, with salmon. They get so thick in some areas that you could walk from one side to the other and never get wet. Although, if you are trying to catch them, they will ignore you completely. This time of year is lots of fun.

Dianne and I have been contemplating moving out of Anchorage, and back to Alaska. We took a drive over to Palmer the other day, and really like the area. I noticed that they had at least 2 bars and a library, so I was good with it. Dianne saw a Fred Myers® and tried to move in on the spot. So we will see. The people are friendly and they seem to drive better than in Anchorage.

Other than that, not much is new. I have been trying to convince Dianne that we need a new truck. Every time I bring that subject up she says, “Ok, go buy the truck, but just remember that it is going to cost $370,987.89”. When she brings the price up, I usually agree that buying a new truck is not such a good idea and quickly change the subject. I figure that the van will be able to last at least another 3-5 years - hopefully…

So summer is here and in full swing. Soon it will be in the 80’s and I will be trying to crawl into the refrigerator. The salmon are coming and I have to get my fishing license. Hopefully home prices in Palmer will be slightly less than those in Anchorage, and I need to get the oil changed in the van. I think I may be keeping it a little while longer.

Starvation, Styrofoam, and Chocolate Sex

2007-04-05T18:19:00.000-08:00

Well, my wife left me yesterday. Not for another man, but something worse…much worse. She left me for Florida. Yea, she will say that she was only going to visit he mother and family, but I am not convinced. If all she is going for is to see her family, than why is she so happy. When I spoke with her last, she was talking of going to places like Disney, Busch gardens, and the beach. These are all places where you pay to stand in line to hand total strangers your money and have them make fun of you about how much you overpaid. Well, expect for the beach. There you just pay a lifeless parking meter for the privilege to park (.25 for 10 minutes) in a parking spot. You then get to walk around and stare at naked people.…..Hey, now that doesn’t sound too bad…. And it is a lot cheaper than one of those nudie bars where it costs $5 for a bottle of water. Perhaps she has something there.

In any case, I am alone and depressed. I have nobody to walk the dog, take out the trash, or make me lunch. I may die of starvation in a dirty apartment. Well, if that happens, the dog may eat my lifeless body and start drinking out of the toilet again. I don’t think he will mind not being taken out for walks in the melting snow. He may however be upset that there is nobody around to change the channels on the TV for him, or discuss the finer points of quantum physics. Other than that, I think he may be able to last the 2 weeks (more like a lifetime) that Dianne will be gone.

Just as I thought I was not going to make it much longer, the doorbell rang. At first I was hoping it was a hooker, but then realized that food would be a much more needed gift. I threw on a robe and answered the door (last time I answered the door naked, the delivery man ran away). It was a big light package. It was too small to be a mail order hooker. Well, maybe if it was a midget mail order hooker from Ethiopia, but since it was from Kentucky, I knew I was out of luck. The package was addressed to Dianne and came from a place called Candy Blast™. Since Dianne was not going to be around for another 2 weeks, and I was starving, I figured that it would be a good idea to open the package and eat whatever was inside. I was hoping for chocolate strippers, but soon found that someone had shipped me a box of Styrofoam peanuts. Now I like a good practical joke as much as anyone, but sending a starving person a box of barely edible Styrofoam is just not that funny. Digging deeper into the Styrofoam, I discovered something amazing. It was food, or at least something wrapped in a plastic bag. I pulled greedily at the handle and yanked out an Easter basket along with about 854,789,045,789,453 Styrofoam peanuts. The Easter basket was filled with candy of every description. It was wonderful. I quickly removed the plastic bag to get a better look at the candy. It was everywhere. It was in the green plastic grass, it was on the sides, it was on the handle, it was wonderful. I figured with all this candy, I would be able to survive for at least another 3-4 hours.

As I was figuring what I would eat first, the dog came over and started staring at me. He was giving me those eyes that said, “please feed me, I am starving too”. I looked at him and said, “yea right, if you are lucky I will let you smell my fingers after I am done eating your mothers gift”. He looked at me and started eating the Styrofoam peanuts that were covering the floor. I was happy that I would not have to pick them up.

So now I am thinking about calling Dianne in Florida and letting her know how good her gift was. I sure hope she appreciates me going out of my way to make sure her candy was eaten quickly, and thoroughly. I am not sure who sent it, but whoever you are, “Thank you - You saved my life”.

Build it and it will break - On me…

2007-03-29T01:43:00.000-08:00

Nick (the dog) examines the missing radio, and wonders why the top of the dash is missing.

You know about the problem with the van, but what I have not told you is that I also have some other electronics that have decided that it is time to check out of this world. Luckily they are still under warranty, at least for the next 5 days.

As it turns out, I have a knack for picking out electronics that will give up at or right around the time the warranty expires. Just last week my laptop decided to mysteriously just shut down and not start again. It didn’t matter what I would do, it would not start. All I was getting was an amber flashing power indicator on the front of the laptop. I eventually removed and replaced the battery just to see what would happen, and low and behold it fired right up. Being the nervous type that I am, I decided that a call to the laptop customer service number was in order. I gave them a call and explained the situation, along with the steps that I took to remedy the situation. They seemed genuinely worried about the laptop blowing up at any second. They said that they were “very concerned” about the situation, and advised me to take it into an authorized service center if it happened again.

Now I don’t know about you, but I have this sneaking suspicion that my computer is going to be just fine until the day after the warrantee expires, at which point it will spontaneously combust. This will be nothing unusual for me. It seems that whenever I purchase something of any complexity, the life span is determined by the warrantee. Now I could have taken out an extended warrantee, but for that price I could probably buy a new laptop in 3 years. That and the fact that I very rarely have a computer around for three years. Well, actually that is not the truth. I did keep parts of my old 486DX 50 for about 10 years, although they were just parts, and I doubt that they would ever work again.

Enough about the broken alarm and computer. Lets move on to the broken car stereo. Oh, yea! Once again, before we left Florida I had a car stereo installed so that we could listen to some snappy tunes on our way to the great white north. What we found out was that the FM receiver only picks up stations where there are people and civilization. Seeing that we were mostly traveling in the middle of nowhere, we usually had to rely on the cd player. Actually we only had one cd that I had burned and we must have listened to it about 458,043,20,954.376 times. I am actually thinking about copying it and sending it to all my relatives for Christmas. That is how close I am to this cd.

In any case, about a month ago I realized that the radio was not playing. I figured this out when I turned it on and no sound came out ( I’m quick like that…). Everything else seemed to be working just fine, but it just didn’t want to be heard. I am not sure if it was broken, or just sick of hearing the same cd a zillion times. I tried the radio - Nothing. I tried turning up the volume - Nothing. I tried threatening it - Nothing. I tried begging - Still nothing. I gave up. I figured that by the time I removed it and had it repaired, the warrantee would be over. I was wrong.

Today I checked the warrantee information and as it turns out, my particular brand was covered for 2 years, not the typical 1. Apparently the radio had some bad information and thought that it should break down at about 1 year instead of 2. So now I have to remove the radio, take it to the authorized “radio fixer”, and have them tell me that it is not fixable. At that point I will have to wait probably another 2 weeks for a replacement. Now knowing that this radio is no longer made, I have a really strong suspicion that I will be getting a new(er) model - hopefully. At that point all I have to do is pay to have the radio re-installed, and wait for the warrantee to expire again. Oh, the joys of being a technophile!!!!

When Technology goes bad...

2007-03-05T21:45:00.000-09:00

Today we had things to do and people to see. You know, the kind of day when you actually have a schedule that makes sense and you really feel like your going to get some things done. Since my day usually consists of wandering around the house in a daze and wondering what I should do, this was a welcome change.

It started by me and Dianne going out to eat lunch at Hoggs Brothers. As it turns out, this would be the highlight of our day. If I had know what fate was about to befall me, I would have asked for a job as a dishwasher. I probably would have been happier. So we order our food (It was soooo good) and ate like we had not eaten in 2 days. Actually I think it had been 19 ½ hours or something like that…. We left just as they were closing the place. It was about 4pm and I needed to find a photo processing place that was on the same road.

Being a man I did not bother to write down the address or name of the location. I just know it was somewhere on the road we were on. “Not a problem” I keep telling Dianne. We will just drive up and down the street until we find it. Ok, after the 20th lap up and down the street I decided that I should probably find the address. So we stop at a shoe store and I ask for directions. The shoe repair guy just stares at me like I am about to rob him or something. I ask for the yellow pages, and he snaps out of his dazed stare. I quickly find the place I am looking for in the yellow pages, and quickly memorize the location. It is just a few blocks down the street anyway. I hop into the car, program Petuna - she is our “never get lost anymore GPS unit” that can find anything (Yes, we do name or electronics, especially if they talk to us…).

Now here is where the real fun begins. You see, when we left Florida we had an alarm system installed into our car with something called “Blackjack™”. What that is, is a device that prevents your car from getting stolen if you are carjacked. Ok, stop laughing. We figured if someone wanted to steal a minivan with a trailer, they wouldn’t get very far. Today we proved that theory. You see, when we pulled out of the shoe repair shop, and entered our, “oh so secret and mysterious” code into the key pad (it actually only has 2 buttons, but for what we paid I am calling it a keypad) nothing happened. We entered it again - nothing. Ok, we believe it is not working, but are not sure. So what should we do? That’s right, we ignore the problem. If we don’t acknowledge the problem, it really doesn’t exist, right? Wrong. Just like the manual said, about 30 seconds later the car dies, the lights flash, and it begins making sounds that would make a circus jealous. We are now in an alley with a dead car, lights flashing, and siren going off at full blast. No, this does not look suspicious at all…..

All efforts to enter the “secret” code fail and I am forced to walk to a business and call AAA. Just 2 short hours later the tow truck shows up and hooks us up. I help by putting the car in neutral, turning the wheel, turning off the alarm, and starting the car. Yep, the car knew that AAA was there, and decided to work. I thought about telling the tow truck driver not to worry about it, that we had just gotten it to work, but I had been waiting for 2 hours. Instead I had him tow the car to a car stereo shop where he dropped it off. I advised the shop of the situation, and promptly drove off.

Now I do have the alarm in “valet” mode which should keep it from going crazy, or at least not working until tomorrow. You see, tomorrow I will be having the “amazing costs too much” alarm system ripped out and turned into a pile of yesterdays trash. I am not even going to bother trying to figure out what is wrong with it, if anything. I decided this while waiting for 2 hours in 10 degree weather in a car that would not accept it’s little “secret code”.

We are going old school. Back to the days of actually having to unlock your car with a key. And if you have to unlock the other doors, you will have to press the power unlock button. I am actually thinking about getting one of those “clubs” that you lock to your steering wheel. Well, then again, probably not. The crime rate around here is nothing compared to where I came from. I actually told the guys at the audio shop that I had an “anti-car-jacking” device on my car, and they laughed. I found out that there are not many car jackings in Alaska.

I suppose that I will miss the little chirping bird that locked me out of the car and made me sit in a freezing alley for 2 hours. Then again, probably not.

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemmingway

2007-02-04T14:20:00.000-09:00

This is my "Beer Mug"

So today is the Super bowl. It is a day of great revelry and festivities for me. I have ordered a foot long sub that just happens to be 4 feet long, and it will be ready at 2:00pm. That is the start of the game here and I will be ready with my monster sub. We will also have chips with dip, wings, pizza, nachos, hot dogs, and so much more. It will be a party to remember. All who attend will not go hungry. But more important than the food is the beer. There can not be a proper party without a proper beer. Of course I will get the normal 3 cases of Bud for the less adventurous beer drinkers, but there will also be the good stuff. Handcrafted homebrew. You see, in Alaska they seem to love to make there own beer. Not just any beer, but really great beer. Most any restaurant in Alaska will usually have some sort of local homebrew. This is like a fine wine that has been aged to perfection - It just happens to be beer.

So that brings me to what I will be drinking on this fine day. It will not be any mass produced ale that was sold in a case at the store with a best before date on the side. Nope, not me. I will be drinking out of a brown glass half gallon jug that was filled from a tap that contains some of the finest IPA (India Pale Ale) I have ever sampled. There is no need for a best before date because the beer never lasts that long. Oh, the wonderful taste of fresh beer.

You may be asking yourself, what does he mean by, “filled from a tap”? Well, to get this great beer you have to have it filled from the tap, draft style into a jug. You screw the cap on your 64oz of beer and walk our of the restaurant like a raging alcoholic on a 3 day bender. Oh, the pride you feel walking from a restaurant with a growler of beer in one hand and a beautiful women on the other (the women costs extra though).

The time is drawing close and I still have to move the sofa (plastic lawn chair) in front of the TV, pick up the sub, and get dressed. I suppose greeting guests naked would make for a memorable party, but I am not sure if anyone would stay long enough to remember it. In any case, regardless of who wins or looses I will be happy in the knowledge that I was able to watch the big game while drinking a great beer - Go Bucs!!!

Snow - In Vegas????

2007-02-03T12:10:00.000-09:00

Ok, so I am finally back. Sorry about being gone so long, but I was abducted in Vegas by small grey aliens that were all dressed like Elvis - Except for the tall one, he was dressed like Prince.

Snow in Vegas

I go to Vegas to get away from the snow and cold for a week or so, and what happens? Yep, it followed me. It actually snowed on the 5th night we were there. I looked out the window and thought that there were an awful lot of little bugs flying around. I told Dianne that she needed to come see all the bugs outside. That’s when it happened. Those little, “bugs” started to fly into the window and hit me on the head. They seemed to be pretty cold, and they melted when they hit me. That’s when I realized that they were not “bugs”, but in fact snow! It started out as a normal snow, and quickly turned into a very serious snow storm. It was so bad that I was unable to see the building just 3 hotels down. Granted, that building was probably a half mile away, but on any other day you could see it at least 15 miles away. The snow had a very difficult time sticking, but did put on quite a good show. From what I understand it really caused some problems with traffic. Just imagine the people in Vegas that are not used to driving on wet roads, now having to deal with snow.

And now, the trip report…..

The flight going out was on America West, and very uneventful. We did get to watch the movie - A Christmas Story. That helped pass the time between taking off and landing. Other than that, I spent $20 dollars on 2 sets of headphones, a turkey sandwich, and a snack pack. Flying is not getting any cheaper… So 5 hours later we touch down in Vegas. It is 10:30 there time, and I am already feeling the pull of the casinos.

We hop on a shuttle bus to the Golden Nugget and off we go. Half an hour later we are dropped off at our destination. We step up to the desk and advise them that we have reservations for an entire week, and what was the possibility of an upgrade. At this point I advised the gentleman that I would be more than happy to pay for the upgrade if necessary. He smiled and said he would ask his manager. He came back and advised us that he could not upgrade us at all due to the fact that, “we were staying too long”. Ok, that was the first time I have ever been told that there were upgrades, but we could not have or purchase any due to the fact that we were staying too long. At this point I just wanted to get a room and unpack. He tried to give us a room in the south tower that is further away and requires more walking. I asked if there were any rooms in the north tower that were available. He gladly gave me a room in the north tower for $25 more a night. Same room, just closer to the casino.

So after unpacking and laying on the rock hard bed, Dianne and I decided to venture out on Freemont street. At this point it was 1:30am. As we exited the casino we were greeted by a bum asking for money. I so badly wanted to say, “I just gave it all to the casino”, but “sorry” was all I mustered. After walking around for a while we realized that most places were closed that late at night. I thought this was the city that never sleeps….or is that New York? In any case, after playing craps on a corner with some fine upstanding young citizens, we decided to head up stairs and get some sleep.

At about 6:30 in the morning I wake up to hear Dianne talking on the phone. I wasn’t sure if she was talking to the front desk, or a bookie. As it turned out, she had called the Monte Carlo. It seems that she had explained our situation to them and they decided that they could offer us a much nicer deal then the golden nugget. As it turned out, a lot nicer. They were willing to give us a suite, food vouchers, beer vouchers, and spa vouchers all for less than what we were paying for our regular room downtown. I believe that they accidentally pulled up the name of a person that actually gambled and thought we were important or something. I just hoped it lasted until we left. So that morning we packed up and headed to our new home for a week.

When we got there, we were kindly greeted and advised that our room was ready. We quickly ventured up to the room and promptly passed out. I think it had something to do with only getting like 30 seconds of sleep the other night. In any case, the nap went well, and we were quite rested when we awoke.

From that moment on the entire trip gets fuzzy. I am not sure if it was all the gambling, the staying up for 18 hours at a time, or the incredible amount of free booze that they ply on you at every opportunity. In any case, I was assured by several family members (one being a wife….) that I was having a good time.

One of the highlights of my trip was being accosted by a hooker. Yep, I am very proud of this. It was my first time in Vegas being solicited by a professional. Now anybody that knows me can tell you that I am not exactly the kind of person that goes out looking for a good time, but when one just walks up to you, what are you supposed to do??? Well, being the suave and debonair gentleman that I am, I quickly came up with a response to her. I gently looked into her mascara covered eyes and softly whispered into her ear, “You really don’t look like my wife”. Yep, that is exactly what I said. I guess you could say that it wasn’t the best line you could use when approached, but I was kind of new at this, and really had no idea what to say. That and the fact that I really was looking for my wife. In any case, I think she realized that I was not interested in her, or loosing any more money, and decided to find greener pastures.

From there, we move on to the fact that the Monte Carlo does no longer makes any hand crafted beer. For some, this is a minor inconvenience, but for me it was total devastation. I lived for there beer - or any good beer for that matter. They replaced there beer with crap. Crap that I cant even pronounce. It is a sad day. I will have to ponder if I ever want to stay in that hotel again - Remember - A hotel is a hotel, but a hotel with good beer is a place to rest your head.

Snow in Anchorage

In any case, the trip was very enjoyable, and even paid for itself plus some. We were treated like royalty, and had a very good time. The trip home was long, but it was nice to be back home again. The only drawback was getting off the plane in shorts (long story) and walking into a blizzard. All in all though we had a good time and will probably be back soon.

Dianne thought that dressing up the dog for Christmas would be a good idea. The dog however, did not.

Vegas Baby!!!

2006-12-12T00:31:00.000-09:00

The pristine fountains of Caesars Palace.

Note: Security does not find it humorous when you take your shoes off and go “wading for coins”

Yep, it is that time of year again. The time that we make a pilgrimage to the Mecca of sin and debauchery. Just thinking about it is getting me excited. So many things to do, so many things to see. This will be the first time that we have not stayed on the strip. We will be staying in scary downtown, where you can walk around half naked, carrying a yard of pure booze and be considered the, “normal one”. We have visited downtown many times, and always come away with a feeling that it was more, “normal” than the strip - if that is possible in Vegas. The gambling is more laid back, the people are more down to earth, and the bums only ask for pocket change, not a twenty.

This trip I have many things that I would like to see and do that I have not done in years past. The first is to go pay a visit to the Berlin wall at the Main Street Station. As many of you know it is used as a backsplash for the men’s urinals. I could not think of a more fitting place for such a notorious piece of history. While at the MSS I would also like to try some of there microbrews. From what I hear, they are supposed to be quite good - I may have to try them several times just to be sure… I was told that Theodore Roosevelt's Pullman railroad car is on display. I many have to take it for a spin around Vegas. I do believe MSS is right next to some railroad tracks.

Our yearly trip to Mermaids will not be missed this time either. I usually try to schedule it as the last stop of the night due the cocktail waitresses constantly feeling the need to bring us more and more free adult libations. I once stumbled out of there casino, headed across the road to the Freemont, signed up for a players card, and started to play in a slots tournament before I realized that I had forgotten Dianne back at Mermaids. Although she later found me, she did not find it as amusing as I did.

One location that we will not be visiting again will be the Gold Spike. We visited it last year, and Dianne swore that if we ever went there again she would leave me for the rest of the trip (after I had given her an ample supply of gambling money…) Although I really enjoyed the “Spike”, Dianne was of the persuasion that we were well over dressed, and that she felt very much out of place. When I asked why, all she could say was that most of the people in the casino were homeless and asleep on the machines. She went on to say that although they were asleep, they were still clinging to there every precious cigarettes. Dianne was creeped out so much by this place that she refused to order a drink of any kind. So what if it was 8 A.M. Most of the people in there looked like they had been drunk for the past 3 years. I on the other hand was thrilled to death to finally be in a place where a guy playing the 25 cent machines was looked at like a king. So what if the guy next to you throws up on his machine.

I do believe that I will be driving some cars at the test track that the Sahara has just built. Since I live in Alaska and you can’t get anywhere without 4 wheel dive (forget that I have been driving a rear wheel drive mini-van half the winter) I will be testing out some trucks and SUV on there off road course. Well, that and I may need to test drive a Corvette just to make sure we don’t need one up here.

Update!!!! I called the Sahara to find out when the test track opens, and they informed me that it closed down November 19th. Horror of Horrors!!!! What am I going to do? I guess I could just play count the hookers, or some casino war. Everyone likes casino war….

Moose Fashion

2006-12-10T19:17:00.000-09:00

This is the feature fashion show moose

So today was a 6 moose Sunday. We headed out just as the sun was starting to set (about 3:00pm) for our moose hunting adventure. We went to the rock garden (parking lot) across the street to let the dog have an adventure of his own. We try to walk him at least once every 12-24 hours…. That is when we saw the first moose. It was a large female just laying in the snow. I believe she was trying to take a nap, but then again, I did not get close enough to lift up one of her eyebrows and check.

The rest of the moose were seen either on the side of the road, or in the road. At one point traffic was stopped in both directions to let a moose cross the street. The problem is, the moose thought that it must follow the yellow line instead of crossing the road. It was kind of like an animal fashion show. A moose going up and down the road in between cars with people on both sides rolling down there windows to take pictures. I could just imagine what the moose was thinking….

Announcer - And today folks, for your enjoyment we have a 3 year old bull moose sporting his winter coat. Notice the way his hackles are all swinging from side to side. That will be the fashion this winter.

Moose - Follow the line, follow the line. Turn….and follow the line. Work the crowd. Shake the antlers, keeps the ears perked up…….

An Alaskan Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T21:18:00.000-09:00

A snowy winter wonderland

Thanksgiving day I was up earlier than normal to prepare for the day ahead. We had decided to eat at a local restaurant that was serving up an all you can stuff yourself with dinner including all the trimmings. Since this was an easy way to get out of making the thanksgiving day meal I was behind this idea all the way. That and the fact that I would not have to clean up afterwards.

The meal was delicious, and made even better by the fact that I was not responsible for any cooking, cleaning, or serving. After dinner we drove home and retired to our bedroom for the annual after thanksgiving day nap. This one lasted a little longer then the average. We slept for over 5 hours. I think they may have drugged the turkey. When I woke up it was dark outside. This told me that it was sometime after 4pm (we are getting darker sooner now…).

I took this picture around 10:30am

Actually it was around 5:30. I hoped out of bed to check the weather. It seems that it had really warmed up that day. When I had gotten up this morning at 7am it was a chilly -6 outside. Luckily it had warmed up to a temped zero this afternoon. It was not nearly as cold as it was this morning.

The weather being what it is (freezing) I have started to use it to my advantage. I really don’t like my coffee hot, but I hate waiting for it to cool off. Now all I do is leave it on the back porch for a few minutes, and I have nicely chilled coffee. I once left a batch of freshly made hot tea out on the porch too long, and it turned into a huge ice tea cube. I like my tea cold, but it is even better if I can drink it. I am still perfecting the care and use of my new outdoor freezer.

I have also learned that one should not go outside with wet hair unless that someone wishes to have frozen hair. I learned this lesson after getting out of the shower and venturing onto the porch for several minutes. It seems that the average time for hair to freeze at -6 is about 5 minutes. Longer than that, and other things will start to freeze, especially with only shorts and a tee shirt...

Halloween In Alaska

2006-11-01T16:14:00.000-09:00

Written by Dianne - Glenn’s better half………

The scary trick or treat sign did not keep the kids from knocking on our door

This is the "welcome" bear. It is frightingly cute

Today is Halloween, October 31st, the day of ghouls, goblins and of course, Trick or Treating. Being new to Alaska and not knowing how tradition followed suit, we prepared accordling. Glenn and I decided to buy a few decorations to get into the “Spirit” of things. A few pumpkins, a ghost, scary eyes that blink and who could forget, candy. We had a huge bowl of treats for what we hoped would be an eventful night. Our first victim arrived at 5:30 and was rewarded with many sweets. For the next two hours we would wait and wait and wait. I said to Glenn, I guess we are going to have to eat all this candy ourselves. Moments later, we were disturbed by a bell ringing. We looked at each other and wondered where it was coming from. Wait, that’s our doorbell - more victims…….Much to our surprise, we had 6 more Trick or Treaters within the next 30 minutes. Not only did these little “Monsters” brave 30 degree temperatures, 6 inches of snow and ice, they actually were dressed up. In our old neighborhood, we were lucky if the kids showed up carrying a sign asking for food. We have always loved Halloween and now know that “Alaskan” ghouls and goblins do exist.

I am just waiting for a moose to eat one (or all) of the pumpkins

Snow advisory!!!

2006-10-29T23:12:00.000-09:00

The snowfall today was slightly heavier than yesterday...

Ok, the snow yesterday was a light dusting. It was nice, and we all had a good time. We got to see what it was like to drive in snow, and the fun of loosing traction on ice. Today was a little different. Today we did not have a “light” dusting. It was more like a never ending snow fall. We decided to take the dog for a drive across the street to an open field that he enjoys. It was a good thing that it was so close, because the roads were starting to become covered in snow. The good part was that there was not much traffic.

Upon getting back into the car, Dianne and I agreed that it would be a great idea to go and get something to eat. We agreed that McDonalds would be a good choice since it was quick and easy. We ordered our respective meals, picked them up, and began to drive away. That is when we noticed it. Well, it seems that while we were waiting in line (all 2 minutes of it) the roads had disappeared. Yep, now we were driving on freshly snow covered roads. Oh isn’t this fun. No markings to tell which lane you are in, no cars in front to follow, and no idea where the curbs are. Fun, fun, fun.

Well, we followed a fellow that seemed to be heading in the right direction, and made it home. We decided that it would be best to stay indoors for the rest of the day until the snow let up. Later on that day I noticed that the snow had stopped falling. It seems that we had received about 6” of snow. The car was covered in snow, the roads were covered in snow, and the trees were covered in snow.

The snow made driving quite a challenge

Now most people would look at that and say, “hmmm, I should probably stay indoors”. Not us. We decided to go to the field that we had been to earlier today. As we attempted to exit through the gate, the car would just rev up and the wheels would spin, but nothing would happen. After several attempts I had Dianne back up and I opened the gate. She got a “running” start, and zipped through the gate. I hopped in and down the street we went. As we approached the road, we noticed something strange. The road was now not only completely covered in snow, but it was packed down so tight that it was now a huge sheet of ice. Crossing was done very carefully and with great care. After exploring the new snow fall, we decided that it would be a very good idea to go home and wait for the roads to be plowed. Going home we only lost traction once and was able to regain control of the vehicle in a matter of seconds. Once home, we both agreed that it would be a better idea to call for takeout if we decided we wanted any food.

So far I have learned that studded snow tire only help if you are not driving on a solid sheet of ice. If you are, all they do is make nice scrape marks in the ice. Stopping on ice is quite a challenge. Always give twice the distance you would normally stop in. If you start sliding on ice you will be happy that you did. Never go faster than you are willing to crash at. On ice, anything can happen. And finally, when you see a guy ice skating down the sidewalk, you know it is time to go home.

Blizzard!!!

2006-10-26T22:52:00.000-08:00

This is the view from the back porch

This morning we woke up to a winter wonder land. Snow had fallen all night long, and everything was covered in a blanket of pure white snow. As I went onto the back porch, I could tell that it was still snowing. It was coming down pretty heavily. Large clusters of snow fell like cotton balls from the sky.

Dianne asked me what it was like outside. My response was, “I think we had a blizzard. We must have 5-6 feet of snow on the ground”. She just laughed and said, “yea, right. I just listened to the news, and they said it was more like half an inch”. Hey, half an inch or 6 feet - what’s the difference?

I think we may need to get an ice scraper for the windshield.

Walking the dog was an adventure. We took him to a location that had considerably more snow than anywhere else. Being the inquisitive and adventures dog that he is, he decided to go into the largest snow bank that he could find. Well, he thought that was really great until he walked a little too far and was buried by snow. He quickly turned around and headed back the other way. He would not make that mistake again.

All in all it was a fun and productive day. We were able to see how snow tires work in real life. It seems that you will encounter the most ice when you are trying to get home the fastest. Especially after you just went to Taco Bell, and just want to get home to eat. Other than that, it was just another wonderful day in a winter wonderland.

Studs, Ice, and Snow

2006-10-26T11:28:00.000-08:00

These are the new snow tires (or at least one of them). The studs are not as large as I would have liked, but they were out of the ones with 2" spikes. Notice the ACTUAL snow on the bottom left of the tire!

Dianne does not like it when I call it vibration. She says that it is just a little noisy. Vibration is still the word I would use to describe it - the tires that is. The studded tires to be precise. They vibrate. They make a strange humming noise when we drive down the road. It is not totally unlike driving on loose gravel, or on studded tires, but then I guess you would have to have studded tires to know what that was like. Each tire has about 23,902 studs. They are just little metal protrusions that stick out from the tire. I was told they are made of some alloy that even Superman uses on his Bat mobile, or something like that.

We just had them installed. It only took about 5 hours. That is a long time when you are waiting at Sams Club. We were told that they would only be about 3 hours at first, but then it turned into 4, and then 5. We went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant across the street. It took us 2 ½ hours to finish, and they still were not done. In the meantime I decided to walk around the store. I ended up at the pharmacists counter. I talked to the pharmacy and asked if they could give me anything for my irritation and inpatients. They said they had all sorts of goodies that would help, but I would need a doctors note first. Just for fun I pulled 2 out of my pocket and said, “ok, here - I think these will do”. I think the pharmacist almost passed out. I don’t think she was ready for me to pull out 2 scripts during that conversation. I had been to the Dr. earlier today to get set up as a patient, and start my new collection of pharmaceuticals. Since the drugs he prescribed were very cheap, I decided to get them filled just for fun.

To celebrate our new tires, we decided to drive over and across as much ice as we could find. Luckily for us there was quite a large puddle that had frozen over in the past several days. We decided to drive over it first. When we got there it was a frozen mass just waiting to be driven over and cracked into a thousand pieces. As we drove over it, something very strange happened. Actually nothing happened. We just drove over it and across it. Usually we hear ice cracking and breaking under our tires. It is the gratifying sound of driving over ice that you just broke. Not this time. I think we may have waited a little too long. The ice had frozen over so much that it was now solid. No cracking, no crunching, nothing. Not even a little break. When we went to the second location, it was the same thing. No crunching, no cracking, not a bit of noise. I tried to convince Dianne that we should try to drive across a shallow lake, but she reminded me of how expensive it would be to get the car fixed after we had it pulled out of the frozen mud. I realized that she was probably correct and agreed that it was probably not a good idea.

So now we have snow tire, and not a bit of snow on the ground. We do have ice, but it is not on the streets, and nowhere near being a threat. I will wait. I will wait for the 6 feet of snow, the 4 inches of ice, the sleet, the frozen rain. I am prepared. I am ready. Bring it on!!!!

AMENDMENT: Last night at about 12:30pm it started snowing and has not stopped since. The timing on the snow tires could not have been better!!

Moose Wednesday

2006-10-18T23:21:00.000-08:00

Today I had a sick van. I had a feeling that it needed some work, but I had no idea to what extent. You see, it has been having some “steering issues”. You know, the type where you are going down the road and the car just veers off to one side and when you go to correct it, nothing happens. It can get kind of unnerving if you are headed towards a brick wall, or an oncoming car. So yesterday I took the thing in to get an oil change and had them look at the steering system to find out what the problem was. After some time I was informed that the inner tie rods were shot and that I probably needed to have my hubs tightened. I was then informed that after installing the new tie rods, I would have to have an alignment. No big deal, I was expecting the alignment.

Today the car is in the shop getting all it’s little “issues” fixed. After getting the inner tie rods replaced, the hubs tightened, and an alignment, I will still have to go looking for studded tires. Yes, I know, I know. I have been talking about this for quite some time, but I am a professional procrastinator. My motto is, “never do today what you can put off till tomorrow”. It seems to have worked relatively well so far, so I have no plans to change it. I also have another motto. It is, “everything in excess”. Together they make me an extreme procrastinator (I wonder if there is an ultimate sport for procrastinating?). In any case, it seems that we will be getting some snow next week. The snow is really not what bothers me. What is concerning me the most is the fact that the temperatures will be going in and out of the freezing range for several days. That tells me that the snow will be melting and then turning to ice. Ice is bad. I have enough problems steering a top heavy van on wet roads, much less on an ice skating rink without studded tires. So the words for the week are: Get studded tires.

After picking up the now fixed vehicle, I began to drive home. As I was driving I had a little chat with the van. We discussed that although it was an older van, it was very much liked and we wanted to keep it around for a while. To do this we needed to keep it out of the nasty shop where they suck money out of the owners wallets like a Hoover. I discussed the downside of being taken to a used car lot, or worse yet, a junk yard. I explained the process of dismantling and parting out cars, and how easy it was. I think my point was well made. I do not expect any more problems for quite some time.

Upon arriving home, I was happily greeted by Dianne. She informed me that Nick had made some new friends while I was gone. She asked me to guess who they could be. I guessed a tree, a cat, another dog, a ferret, a rabbit with a squirrel on its back riding bike. All wrong. She went on to tell me that while she was laying down reading a book, Nick decided to go out on the porch and began to bark. She told him to “cut it out”, but he just proceeded to bark louder than ever. Not being able to read her book while the dog barked constantly, she got up to see what he was barking at. As she pulled back the curtains, she was greeted with a smiling full grown moose staring her right in the face. She rushed Nick off the porch, and went back out to get a closer look (I think she was only 3 feet away the first time…). As she ventured out on the porch, she noticed that the moose had a baby in tow. She was now close enough that if she wanted to, she could have reached out and touched the mother moose. They both paid her no attention, and went about there quest for tasty leaves and twigs. Thankfully there was a railing between them that kept the moose and Dianne away from each other. All I would need is to come home and find that Dianne had adopted a stray moose and calf. As much as I enjoy walking Nick, I refuse to walk a moose at 3 in the morning.

After reliving a great moment in time that I missed, we decided to go get groceries. Just the normal everyday stuff. What would have taken me 10 minutes, took Dianne 45 (she has shopping issues…). On the way back home, as we were driving past a very small park that is right next to the road, what would we see? Another moose. This time it was a fully grown male with a gorgeous rack. He was just lazily grazing on the tasty tender grass. We went out later that night to see if we could find any more moose, but it seems that they all go to bed by about seven thirty. Either that, or there is a moose bar that I don’t know about…

SAIC

2006-10-13T15:45:00.000-08:00

How exactly is that name pronounced?

This company just went public, and in quite a big way. Seems that they were the volume leaders today. Not bad - not bad at all. Perhaps I should acquire some of this firm? I wonder if they would let me tour the building?

Food of the Gods

2006-10-08T23:25:00.000-08:00

Notice the tools used to free the meat. The butter was melted and used as lubrication.

Last week Dianne advised me that the local Fred Myers was having a sale on King Crab Legs. She stated that they were like $8.88 a pound. I believe that normally they are $2,398.92 an ounce, so this was a really good deal. We decided to get two pounds and see what happens. If we didn’t get incredibly ill, or start seeing things we would go back and get more. As it turns out, we would be making another trip before the day was out. Since then my favorite food has been changed to king crab legs. The problem is that I will only be able to afford them about once a year, or whenever they go on sale. In any case, getting to the meat was almost as much fun as eating it.

Just looking at the enormous crustaceans was rather intimidating, but I had the power of boiling water, hot melted butter, and several large hand tools on my side. After heating up the spiny crustaceans, we got to work on de-Skeletonizing the little devil. The legs were relatively easy to crack. The meat flowed freely from its thorny confines in enormous chunks. It was soaked in warm melted butter and eaten with revelry. The claws were a whole different matter altogether. Although they were even more flavorful than the legs, they required a Herculean effort to extract from their shells. After realizing that they were not going to yield to bending or even a wack on the counter, I pulled out the big tools. A pair of channel lock pliers made short work of the shell. Some would argue that the correct technique would be to use the back side of a knife with a sharp wack to the claws. I disagree. Just the feeling of raw power holding a set of pliers about to crack open a crab leg is justification enough for the overkill. Besides, it was quite effective, and very fun. Dianne was somewhat concerned about the fact that I did not wash the pliers, or even wipe off the light oil film that was still on them, but once she tasted the sweet meat, she understood why I had chosen not to sterilize the cracking instruments. Well, that and the fact that the oil seemed to add a little flavor…

A Sunny Saturday

2006-09-30T13:48:00.000-08:00

A birdhouse at Potters Marsh. Yes, that is a license plate for a roof.

This weekend we decided that in order to celebrate that fact that it was not raining, we would get out of the house and do something - anything. We decided that it was time to visit Potters Marsh and do some walking. This would get us prepared for our upcoming diet (uugh..). While there we noticed many species of birds. There were mallards, and well, er, I guess you could say that most of the birds had already flown south for the winter. We did however see at least four salmon. They looked like they did not know that they were already dead. One was actually eating the tail of the other. Either that, or he was hanging on for dear life. Either way they did not look too healthy.

This salmon is not long for this world

On the way out, we discovered where the animals go to take a bath and get clean. I was rather upset that they have a Jacuzzi tub and I do not. Seems that someone is taking care of the animals a little too well. I was wondering however if the tub was big enough for the moose or not.

A Jacuzzi in the woods. This is how the animals stay clean

Since the day was less than half over, we decided to drive to Girwood. It is a town of about 2000 that is about 20-30 minutes outside of Anchorage. It is a gorgeous little town that has some real charm. The people were really friendly, and it had that down home feel to it. I would really not mind living there at all. Dianne had some reservations since it was smaller than her high school. All in all it was a good day. The snow on the mountain tops seems to be creeping closer and closer to us. It will just be a matter of time until I get to experience to joy of driving in the snow.

Sauce Wonderfull Sauce

2006-09-28T15:46:00.000-08:00

Last Monday ~~Dianne~~ we decided that in honor of the coming winter and all the isolation it brings that we should go on diets. At first I was adamantly opposed to this idea. I argued that diets were not healthy and that they only caused weight gain in the long run. She gave me the, “yea, right look, and it was over”. I had once again been defeated by my better half. I asked when this self imposed misery was to begin. She informed me that next Monday we would start our “new” diets. I have no idea why she calls it a “new” diet. We have done this numerous times, and there is nothing new about starving or eating tasteless food. I quickly bolted out the door and headed to Taco Bell. I wasn’t going down without a fight. When I came back, Dianne asked where I had been. I told her that I was saying goodbye to an old friend. She smiled and reminded me that we had just moved here and didn’t have any friends, much less “old” friends. I quickly advised her that I was saying goodbye to Mr. Burrito Supreme, and Mrs. Chicken soft taco. She just rolled her eyes and walked away. I sat down and started making a list of all the things I would need to eat in the next week to make up for the next 3 months of starvation.

About an hour later I was done with my masterpiece. I believe I had at least 27 food items that would need to be made and eaten in the span of one week. Dianne looked at the list and chuckled. I asked her what she was laughing for. She said that there was no way that I could eat all that food in one week. I told her, “ya wanna bet”? Once again she just looked at me and stated, “we have no room in the freezer or refrigerator. Where are you going to put all this stuff”? Again I had forgotten that one vital piece of the puzzle - storage. She told me that I could have one thing on the list, and that was it. We needed to clear out the refrig. I quickly looked at my list pondering what it was going to be. Would I choose a large pizza with Skittles? Perhaps it would be deep fried biscuits stuffed with peanut butter on top of a bed of cheese grits. Oh, my mind raced to figure out this problem. Suddenly it hit me. It would have to be sauce. Yes, sauce, but not just any sauce - My Sauce. This is a sauce that causes neighbors to knock on your door asking to borrow a cup at 10:30 at night. The only problem with this sauce is that it takes 2-3 days to make. It cooks slowly in a crock pot on low for most of the time until it is united with its eventual partner. All the while the ingredients slowly reducing, melding and mixing into a harmony of flavors.

There is one problem though. What to put the great and wonderful sauce on, in, or around? The possibilities were endless. It could be any one of a thousand choices. I asked Dianne and she suggested several very good ones, but nothing that would stay with me for those long lonely 3 months. Then it hit me. I would make Manicotti. It was the perfect balance between fancy and just plain. Normally I would choose to make a nice seven layer lasagna, but due to time constraints and very little room in the refrig, I was motivated to go with manicotti. It is the perfect balance between an elegant 5 star dinner, and a drive through meal at Wendy’s.

The sauce is done, and I am hoping that Dianne gets home soon before it is all “tasted away”. Tonight the sauce will be atop luscious manicotti noodles filled with some of the most decadent ricotta and mozzarella filling known to mankind. It will be baked to perfection, and topped with a secret blend of cheeses that even now makes my knees weak thinking about. The greatness can, and will only last until sundown on the first of October, for the next day will be Monday. I will remember it as “Black Monday”. The day the manicotti was not to be eaten again.

Dog-Gone-Winter

2006-09-21T22:38:00.000-08:00

As winter is fast approaching I am scrambling to get all the items that will be necessary for a long and cold winter. Things like studded tires, snow shoes, clothes, and beer. You know, just the bare essentials. I am trying to put everything off as long as possible (except the beer…) in hops that the prices will drop at the last minute. Dianne calls this procrastinating. I like to think of it as bargain hunting. In any case, I really don’t think I have much more time left. I believe there was more snow on the mountain tops today, and from what everyone tells me, it is not getting any warmer. Since I have not been here a full year, I can’t say for sure, but I have heard that the snow actually comes down off the mountain, and makes its home in the Anchorage area for a while (some even say that it covers the entire state, but that is just crazy talk…). If this is in fact the case, I may need to get some warmer clothing. My current wardrobe is the one that I used to cut grass in Florida in. It was usually 95+ degrees when I would cut grass, so you could say that my wardrobe is for a slightly warmer climate.

I did however go to the Sportmans Warehouse to find a pair of winter boots/shoes/footwear. What I found was amazing. In Florida my choices were either running, or walking. Not too difficult of a decision. I thought I was familiar with shoes. That is until I entered into the realm of the winter footwear. I believe there were 400+ types of shoes on display. I looked around, got dizzy, and left. If this was the gun section, I would have just stared and drooled for hours, but since they were shoes I decided that I had no idea of what I was looking at and left. I came home later that day and told Dianne of my discovery. She laughed at me and made little snickering noises. Apparently she seems to have more knowledge in the footwear arena than I. Being that she is a woman, and therefore should like shoes, I did not challenge her authority. It does seem strange that she had knowledge of winter snow shoes though.

I advised Dianne that I will be looking for a pair of winter boots that are ankle height and studded. I have no idea if they make shoes with studs in them, but if they make them for tires, why not for shoes. I figure that if I can’t find any studded shoes, I can always drill some holes in my shoes and bring them into a tire store to be re-studded, or in this case, just studded. Now that I think about it, I wonder if a shoe repair shop might offer that service. Who knows, I will have to check into that.

The dog is more prepared for winter than I am.

Dianne decided that the dog was getting cold, so she went to the local Petco and bought him a parka and dog booties. Yes, they actually make booties for dogs. I swore that I would never dress my dog up in clothes. So far, I have not dressed him up in anything - Dianne does that for me. Now not only will he be wearing a parka, but he also has little booties. All this got me thinking. As I was staring at the dog laughing uncontrollably, I realized something. The dog is now better equipped to handle the winter than I am. If winter were to hit full force tomorrow I would have to walk a nice warm dog in shorts and a tee shirt in 3 feet of snow. He would be nice and warm, and I would be frozen. If all else fails I could always try to fit into his little parka. I think the booties are a little too small for me though.

Tails, Tags, and Plates

2006-09-13T17:57:00.000-08:00

This is how I plug in my electric car. I think the thing to the right is an Alaskan mosquito.

So now it’s official. We have a tail, tags, and plates. I guess this means that we are ready to get a ticket in winter. Ok, ok, let me explain. First the tail. Last week I took the car in to get a block heater installed. This is a little device that plugs into your engine block and keeps your cars engine warm in the winter. It also does other nifty things like keep you radiator fluid in a liquid state, and not a solid. But the really cool part about it is that you have to plug your car into the wall for the whole thing to work. So sticking out of the front of most of the vehicles in Alaska you will find a little cord. I prefer to call it a tail. Of course a tail is usually on the back of a vehicle, but who cares, this is my fantasy and I will live it just the way I want to.

Being that I will now have to plug my car into the wall at night in the winter, I am going to make the assumption that I now have an electric car, or at least at night when I plug it in. This being the case, I am thinking very strongly about taking a tax credit for having a hybrid/electric car next tax session. I figure my car is running because it is using electricity right? Anything for a tax break. (Side note: If the IRS is reading this, it is just a joke - I always pay all my taxes, and never cheat - not even a little…).

The tags part. Ah, yes. You see, in the Anchorage area they are concerned about the quality of air we breath, or lack there of. Think Los Angles and you will get the picture. So every car that is older than 3 days, 5 hours, and 7 minutes must get an emissions test. This is not the part that I am concerned about. The part that upset me was the paying the 80 some dollars to be told that my car was well within the limits. For this I received a nifty little sticker that goes on the lower left side of the windshield and says that my car is a good (non-polluting) vehicle for 2 more years.

And finally the plates. So today I went back to the DMV to get my Alaska title, registration and tags. All I had to do was to bring proof of passing the emissions test, clean Florida title and registration, proof of insurance, a filled out form that resembled the 1040 long form, oh, and about $133. You also had to bring much patiences. The wait at the DMV was about 45 minutes. My number was 198. When I sat down they were calling 162. I eventually was called. I explained what I needed done, and after about 20 minutes I to had Alaskan plates. I quickly drove home and bolted them on. There shininess was a stark contrast against the dirt colored green of the van. I just can’t wait to get them so filthy that they will be impossible to read. I give it about a week, or the first rain.

Now I am prepared for winter (yea, right…) and have tags. All that is left to do is go shopping for a new set of studded tires. I am looking for the longest, meanest, biggest studs out there. I want this van to look like something out of a Mad Max movie. I just can’t wait for people to look over and see the “dirt green” beast. Children will cry, women will run, the wife will say, “what the hell were you thinking?” I will have a minivan that will be able to drive on ice, up hills, and over moose.

Floridian in Paradise

2006-09-08T23:08:00.000-08:00

The view of an oncomming train in Whittier.

For the past week Diannes mother has been up to visit and buy most of Alaska. I believe at one point she attempted to purchase a train, but at 43 tons each they would be a bit difficult to get on the plane. She is a confirmed shop-a-holic and has no problems admitting it. We put her up in a hotel that was next to downtown so that she could ~~buy~~ shop downtown whenever she wanted. As it turned out, she had to buy 3 extra suit cases just to get all the extra booty home. The woman is obsessive.

Being her first time to Alaska, and the fact that we have been here sooooo long, we were obliged to show her the sights. This meant that we did all the touristy thing like going to flat top, driving to Whittier, seeing a moose, telling the mother-in-law that she had to walk on the mud flats until she got stuck…. Ok, perhaps not the mud flats thing.

This is what 90,543,084,243 ice cubes look like

All in all it was a wonderful visit by a wonderful mother-in-law (I still want that new truck, and think about all the stuff you could fit in the bed if you bought one for us - I love you). Unfortunately the trip ended before she was able to buy us a new vehicle. That is ok because there will be other visits, and I would really prefer an 07’ model anyway…

So in the past week I have seen more mountains, glaciers, eagles and waterfalls than I have seen in…..Oh, about 2 weeks. This place really is amazing.

Dead Dogs, Gorillas, and The Bat Mobile

2006-08-29T22:56:00.000-08:00

This is Lucky Lisa's Dead Dog Saloon. I am not sure if the dog died from karaoke poisoning or not…

This weekend Dianne decided to clean. This meant that I needed to, “get the hell out”. You see, the reason for this is that when she is cleaning, I am “touching things”. This makes them “unclean”. So I was commanded to vacate the den and find entertainment/beer elsewhere. The strange part is that the dog is never banned from the house even though he jump in mud puddles and sniffs….well, you know what dogs sniff. I decided that a nice drive would be in order. I could kill about 4-5 hours and see some interesting sights. This drive would only take me about 145 miles, but oh the places we would go, and the things we would see…

Off I went. The first thing I decided to do was go to the state fair. I figured that it was relatively close, and would offer me plenty to do while Dianne sterilized everything. As I approached an off ramp every car seemed to be getting off on, I decided not to take it. As it turns out, that was the ramp I was supposed to use. The backup seemed to be around 3 miles. Now I have been to some fairs, but they must be giving away some good stuff for someone to sit in a 3 mile long backup. At least I think that was the fair. Either that or there was a REALLY serious accident. I think it was the fair.

So off I went, past the backup, past the fair, on to the great land of the unknown. Awhile later I came upon good ol’ DEAD DOG SALOON. Now no self respecting tourist/wanna-be plumber could pass up this jem. Unfortunately I was neither hungry or thirsty, nor did I want to sing karaoke. Since I thought that just wandering around taking pictures would seem kind of weird, I decided to pass on further investigation. Than again, with a name like the Dead Dog Saloon, who knows.

Further down the road I passed several fireworks stands. I made a mental note to stop at one on the way back. On I went, past the big hill, and over the small ones. One after another they became part of my rear view mirror. Then I saw it. It was a sign for a garage sale. The garage sale is not really what interested me. It was the fact that it pointed up a dirt road into the middle of nowhere. I had to stop. I turned the car around and headed back. Up the dirt road I went. I parked in someones driveway and hopped out to scope out the garage sale scene. Being this far out, I expected to find things like trap lines, shot guns, and other really great stuff. I found that most people have the same crap. It seems that it really doesn’t matter where you are, if you are throwing a garage sale, you are getting rid of the stuff that you and nobody else wants.

The lady that greeted me was very nice and they did in fact have some good stuff. There was some very nice Canon camera equipment, and I think I may have seen a chain saw somewhere. What caught my eye was not the aged computer equipment, but the wax apple candle. Yep, this was garage sale gold. Not every day do you come across something that you can buy from a garage sale that is pretty and meant to be burned. This was almost as good as grandmas owls, except much less expensive. I haggled with her for the best wax apple price, and walked away one wax apple richer. She got a dollar out of the deal. I think she may have won that one. In any case, she was quite friendly and asked if I needed anything else. I looked around and decided that one wax apple was enough for one day. I hopped in the car and headed back to civilization.

I kept asking myself, “where does one go to get a Bikini for a gorilla”?

One the way back I stopped at a fireworks stand. It had a large black gorilla in a pink/orange bikini. This was the reason I stopped. I thought about buying fireworks, but then wondered to myself where I would set them off. Anchorage is not really spread out as far as housing is concerned, and I could just see me setting a house on fire. I nixed the idea of fireworks due to lawsuit reasons. I took some pictures of the gorilla, and the bat mobile. Yes, they had a car made up to look like the bat mobile. Either that, or it really was the bat mobile, and the bat cave was really in a fireworks stand. This place was strange in a very strange way. After the photo session I was on the road again. Just an easy 2 hour ride and hopefully Dianne would have the house spotless. That is until I got home…

This is the original Batmobile. It was sold on e-bay for $3.63. Jerrys Discount Fireworks is in the background (they do not have a giant gorilla).

Mist AND Massage!!!

2006-08-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

This is the new shower head (pressure washer) and tools.

This weekend I felt like buying some tools, so I suggested that we get a new shower head. The one that we used to have was small and ineffective. That and the fact that it seemed to be saving way too much water. We got our water bill and it was only $13. Yep, $13 bucks. I thought it was a joke at first, but now we have a $20 electric bill and a $13 water bill. I was used to paying close to $100 a month for water in Florida, and it didn’t even smell like oranges or anything. So now here I am with all this savings, and nothing to spend it on. I decided that a new high-flow, super pressure, extra water shower head would be a nice addition to the bathroom. That and the fact that I figured that I would be able to get at least 2 new tools out of the deal. So I broached the subject with Dianne. I asked her if she thought that a new shower head would be a good idea for the bathroom. In true Dianne fashion, she asked me what was wrong with the one we had now. I then had to explain to her that it did not have 10 different setting, a cord, or a pressure washing feature for the dog. She stated that if I wanted one I could get it, but it better not need a dozen tools to install. I assured her that it would only take about 2-3 tools to install, and she would love her new shower head.

So off to the local mega-giant hardware store we went. Once we found the plumbing section, it was an easy 20 minute walk to the shower heads to pick out the one that we wanted. Soon after arriving at the shower head display area, one of the stores finest arrived and asked if he could help. I told the gentleman that I was looking for a shower head that would make me feel like I was in a Florida swamp in the middle of summer. He quickly headed the other direction not to be seen again. After about an hour of debate, and much arm wrestling, we decided on one that did everything. It was like the Swiss Army knife of shower heads. If we ever got lost in the bathroom, all we would have to do was to whip out the shower head, and all would be well.

Now no self respecting wanna-be plumber would be caught dead without several new tools for installing a Swiss Army shower head, so off to the tool coral we went. I was eyeing a pair of gooseneck/channel lock/slip joint/teeth remover pliers. Call em’ what you will, they are necessary for any plumbing project. After picking out the absolute largest pair I could find, Dianne reminded me that I was changing a shower head, not a tire. I pondered her words for a second and then asked the obvious question, “what did you say?”. She just rolled her eyes and grabbed my tool, er…, pliers that is. She replaced it with something that was much smaller and probably better suited for plumbing than car repair. She said, “Here, you will use this”. I hesitantly agreed, all the while staring at my tire changing tool. Just at that moment, Dianne asked if I needed a pair of needle nose pliers. I answered, “Ahh…of course I do…how did you know”? She said that on the pictures of parts needed there was a pair of needle nose pliers listed. I had no idea why someone would need a pair of needle nose pliers for installing a shower head, but I quickly picked out the largest pair I could find. Once again, Dianne rolled her eyes and replaced them with something a little more suitable for plumbing.

On the way to the check out I grabbed some Teflon tape and a table saw. The table saw never got past the display counter, but Dianne said it was a nice try anyway. We checked out and headed home to install our new 2006 model do-it-all and then some shower head.

As it turns out, this particular model was capable of not the government mandated 2.5 gpm max flow, but with some simple modification an impressive 8.0 gpm!!! I quickly removed all the flow restriction devices with the needle nose pliers and off we went. After about 20 minutes the shower head was installed. I decided that I would need to take it on its maiden voyage and hurriedly climbed into the shower. I turned on the water and the shower made squirting/hissing noise at me. It shook violently and then spit out a nice flow of water. I think this setting was called, “Soft spring rain”. I quickly turned it to the number 3 setting, “misting massage”. I was greeted by a soft spray that felt like I was traveling through a cloud. I really liked this setting, but it would probably take me 3 years and a day to get the soap rinsed off of me. Feeling curious I moved the little lever under the shower head all the way to the right. I think that is what allowed “max flow” to the unit. I decided to try out the pressure washer setting. I turned the dial and heard the shower head groan again. That was the last thing I remember before Dianne came running in. She said I was screaming to, “Turn it off, turn it off”, but I don’t remember that. Apparently the “pressure washing” setting was a tad bit stronger than I was anticipating. It had knocked me over and was quickly blowing a hole in my back. As it turns out, 8.0 gpm is somewhere close to the amount of water a fire hydrant will give off. It is really not that great of a thing to have in a shower. After Dianne dressed my wounds and dried off my pock marked skin we decided that we would only use the pressure washer setting for removing rust from old car parts, and putting out fires in the apartment.

Tools R' Us

2006-08-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

Lately I have found that the best way to get new tools is to convince the wife that she wants them. Now this would usually not be the easiest thing in the world to do, but I have found a way around all the problems. The way it works is this:

First, you make a suggestion that the house could really use a new… Flower pot, picture, bathroom sink, door mat, ect. Just make sure you avoid things like… new carpet, wallpaper, bathtub, or 3rd bedroom. The trick here is to suggest something that the wife wants, but will not cause you 2 days or more of work, and a thrown out back. After the wife agrees with you is when the real fun begins. You will then have to let her know that to do the new project, you will need a new tool (or 8...). Don’t let them convince you that you already have a box full of tools that will work. Just let them know that to do the job right, you will need a new tool. Usually this will involve a trip to the local Home Labyrinth. This way you will have the widest selection of tools available to choose from. You will also be able to tell the wife that you were comparison shopping for the cheapest brand. They always like that.

As an example, last week I suggested that we get some new flowers to put out on the porch. I said they would look nice, and it would cheer things up. What I didn’t say was that they were also 75% off and she could buy about 423 potted plants for $8.23. I had been driving by the local hardware store waiting until they put the flowers on sale - I was setting this one up. Now once we arrived at the hardware store, I suggested that she go look for plants, and I would kill some time looking around. Yea, looking around in the hardware section. So off we flew to our prospective corners.

I gathered all the necessary equipment that I wanted needed and headed back to Dianne. Once I found her, I saw that she was bidding on a pallet of hanging flowers. They looked wilted enough, and the bidding was only at $4.65. At this point I was more concerned about how we were going to get the 423 or so potted plants home. After about 15 minutes she won the auction. It seems she was the only one bidding… Later I will have to explain to her how auctions work. So we proceeded to the checkout. That is when she asked me what all the new tools were for. I explained that the laser level was to make sure that we had the hooks perfectly level and on center. The new drill bits were to make sure that we were able to drill perfect holes. The new drill looks really nice with the new bits - it’s kind of like the way you always buy a new purse with new shoes. She mumbled something about a tape measure, and how our old drill and bits worked fine last week, but I paid it no attention.

The Ant and the Grasshopper...

2006-08-20T20:22:00.000-08:00

This weekend I stepped in a puddle that went up to my ears. I am now using the baseboard heaters to dry my running/hiking/walking/snow shoes.

Up until today it has rained for about 17 days straight. Usually it was just a light rain, but for the past 2 days, it has been a constant non-stop downpour. The rivers are swelling, and the Parks highway (road to Denali and Fairbanks) has been washed out in at least 2 places. Great. Now not only can I not get to Denali, but the second largest city in Alaska is out of my reach. We are an island unto ourselves.

Fearing the worst, yesterday Dianne went to Blockbuster and rented 47 movies. Since they are due back in 5 days, I figure that if I watch them back to back I should be done with them in a week and a half. Luckily I really don’t want to watch most of them. It seems if you let a wife alone in a video store, they tend to get the more, “girlie” type movies. Luckily for me she is very much “girlie”. I on the other hand I will be forced to watch Kung Fu theater. I purchased the entire 1st season, and it appears to have about 50 disks with about 532 episodes. I have already watched the first disk and a half. It was about 12 hours of Kung Fu. I figure by the time I finish watching the series, I should be a full blown Showlin Master. I will be able to snatch the grasshopper, and walk on the pebble, or something like that…

I was woken up this morning by hurricane force winds blowing my blinds open and shut. What was worse was that someone was shining a zillion watt flashlight through my window making it hard for me to sleep. After about 15 minutes of slamming the blinds open and shut, I decided to get up and close the window. What I saw was amazing. It was sunshine. I looked directly at it. I was blinded. I looked away. I saw spots. It had been 17 days since I had seen sunshine, and I was happy to see it still existed. I quickly woke up Dianne and we made plans for a day filled with sunshine. We talked about the park, walking on a trail, going to the zoo, and many other things we could do. We jumped into the shower so that we could get going as soon as possible. We only had one fight over the soap, and several scuffles over who would rinse off first. Dianne won on account that she is the wife, and sets the mood for the house. I figured the extra “soap time” would just get me that much cleaner. After she was done, she hopped out and dried off. When I came out I was informed that we would not be doing anything today. I had let her rinse off first, so I knew that was not it. She told me that it was raining again. I thought she was kidding until I looked out the window. She wasn’t kidding. I told her that I had a back up plan. We would go looking for sausage. She quickly told me that she was not in the mood and she had a headache. I then explained to her that we were going to look for Reindeer sausage. She quickly agreed and off we went. Our search for sausage was fruitful, and we ate many samples. The only problem was that the sample that we liked the most was just sold out, and a new order will not be in until Friday of next week. I will have to wait for my sausage.

After having been disappointed by the weather and the sausage, we decided to get a bite to eat - nothing fancy, just something under $245. That limited our choices, so we decided to go to a dinner. We were seated, ordered or meals and received our food. The meal was unimpressive, but listening to the Strange conversations around us made up for the mediocre quality of the food. One table was debating where the worst coffee was served, while another was discussing the merits of flannel vs. wool (I was wearing cotton). My favorite was when we were leaving. A bunch of guys were discussing the merits of sleeping in a rental car while in Las Vegas to save money on a hotel room. Another one in the group suggested sleeping at a slot machine in a corner of one of the smaller casinos ( I believe I have done that before - not on purpose, but staying up for 36 hours at a time tends to do that to you).

Now on our way home, the rain starts to lighten, the mountains become visible, and that is when I saw the problem. You see, the mountain tops were covered with dandruff. Ok, it was snow, and in some places it looked like a lot of snow. Now I am no expert, but isn’t this is the middle of August? Are we supposed to have snow on the mountains this soon? This little bit of information tells me that from now on, it is only going to get colder. That means that I will have to go get winter clothes. Yes, I am still wearing shorts and a t-shirt, even though it is like 42 degrees outside. I am hoping that they sell really cheap winter clothes, because I still haven’t paid off the bed yet. I also need to get studded tires. We have a rear wheel drive car and I could just see us spinning in circles on the first day that the roads ice over. Oh yea, and that pesky little block heater. That will need to be installed also. I really am going to need my car to start in the morning after it has been sitting all night in sub zero temps. So yes, I do have a lot to get done next week. I may even have to start one of those to-do lists that people talk about so much.

Alaskan Crap

2006-08-15T01:04:00.000-08:00

This is the breakfast of garage sale champions. I still don't understand what they are trying to say to us.

This past weekend was quite unique. We did something that I Never do. We went garage sale hopping. I actually pulled up all the garage sales in the Anchorage area and we actually went to them one by one. Just to let you know, the entire day we did not see one gun, rocket, or missile launcher. I was very disappointed. By the time we were done, I realized several thing about myself that I never knew before. The first and foremost is that I am a “garage sale snob”. I learned that I really don’t like other peoples crap. If they put it out on a table, it probably should be thrown away, not sold. Dianne did not agree with me, so we searched on anyway. Second I found that I have a strange curiosity towards the weird and bizarre. To give you an example, one garage sale advertised that they were selling, “grandmas owls”. The only reason that I even agreed to go garage sale hopping was to find out what “grandmas owls” really were. Well, that and the 2 dozen railroad ties that were for sale…

We got lost and found homes that we will never be able to afford. That is an airstrip in front of the houses.

We went to several houses that I would estimate to be worth several millions, and I found that the strangest garage sale ~~crap~~ jewels came from them. The first example would be a great house on a mountain that looked like something I would buy if I was a zillionaire. They had antique answering machines, a Mac classic, several “tube” radios, and a Commodore 64. I sold a Commodore 64 when I left Florida for $5. It came with a 1541 hard drive, monitor, printer, and hundreds of games. At this garage sale they wanted $7 just for the computer itself. I think I now know how they got so rich… They were also selling railroad ties. I just stopped and stared. I think they wanted like $12 each for them. I just wanted to know how you were going to get them home. These things were big! What I was really interested in was the Snow Cat in the ~~second house~~ barn. I don’t think it was for sale, but it looked really cool.

We continued doing this the entire day. Dianne would get out and look around and I would sit in the car waiting to hear if this was the house with grandmas owls. We never found grandmas owls, so we decided to give up and go to lunch.

Lunch was at a Mexican restaurant that I will call, “hot sauce hell”. They actually used the hot sauces that so many people collect for decoration. You know, the ones with the names like Black widow, Death in a Bottle, Slap my ass and call me Sally. Well, they not only used them, but got quite a kick out of seeing people eat there “tainted” foods. I would take a bite of there “salsa” and scream from pain. Several seconds later you would hear faint laughter coming from the kitchen area. I invited Dianne to partake in the tainted food from hell. Not knowing the strength of the hot sauce, she quickly downed a mouthful. She screamed, her eyes watered, she drank both our glasses of water. I snickered under my breath. I thought to myself, “the kitchen staff isn’t the only one enjoying this…”. She looked at me through tear stained cheeks, and asked, “why would you do that to me”? All I could say was, “misery loves company - I love you honey“. I stared to snicker, but it was interrupted by a big glob of hot sauce being pushed down my throat. I desperately grasped for water - There was none to be found. I learned that you do not mess with a pissed off wife that has hot sauce at her disposal.

After surviving the inferno laced Mexican food, we decided to go home and take a nap. Hopefully we could sleep through the pain that was coursing through our mouths and stomachs (later it would be other areas that we were more concerned about…). On the way home Dianne found another garage sale sign that I had left off our list of places to be disappointed at. She turned down the street and into an Alice and Wonderland Maze. I figured if we ever found this place, it would be filled with jewels of epic proportion. I would be sadly mistaken again.

She did manage to find the garage sale. Once again, she got out and looked while I stayed in the car and wondered when I would get feeling back in my tongue. Minutes later she came rushing back to the car like there was a .50 BMG for only .25 cents. I quickly rushed out of the car to get the mispriced weapon of my dreams. I was greeted by not a BMG, but Grandmas collection of owls. They were everywhere. Not only were they everywhere, but they were as old and strange as anything you could imagine. It looked like a 50-60’s revival fest in that garage. The owls were not only old and scary, but overpriced. This was something that I had come to expect from garage sales, but they had taken it to a whole other level. Grandma was making a profit on those owls. I think she wanted a dollar for every year of there strange lives. I wanted to take a picture of the owls, but was afraid that they would charge me for each picture. Either that or try to steal my camera and sell it for $430,543,780,543.99. I would gladly split the profits with them.

Dianne wanted to keep this, but I insisted that it must go to her mother.

So after finding that we could not afford grandmas owls, that hot sauce is sometimes “no kidding - really hot”, and that rich people have the strangest crap, we decided to head home. It was not a total wasted day though. Dianne was able to purchase a product that she will be giving to her mom. It is a “Grow a Boyfriend doll”. All you have to do is add water, and in 72 hours you have a new mate. Granted, you have to soak him in the bath tub for several days, but that is just a small price to pay for the perfect guy. Luckily there was only one, so I am safe for now.

The Last Frontier

2006-08-09T22:16:00.000-08:00

Budweiser - The last Frontier...

No, this is not the worlds largest bottle of Bud ( I wish it was though). I found something very interesting about the beer in Alaska. It seems that Budweiser has changed it center label from there trademark A.B. with the names of 5 continents (Asia, Australia, Europe, Africa, and America), to the Alaskan grizzly and a banner with the words, “The Last Frontier”. I have traveled all over the country, and never seen anything like this. I am wondering if this is the only state that Budweiser does this for. I have never had a Bud in New York with the empire state building on it. In Florida they don’t have a label with an orange on it. In California I have never seen a label that declared, “One good shake, and we’re outa here”. Even the great state of Texas is without representation (although I think they should have a picture of an interstate and the logo that declares, “I-10 - it just goes on forever…). So here we are all by ourselves. It’s just us and this special Bud label to keep us going. I wonder what other great and mysterious things are labeled differently up here. I have checked several bags of chips, and a can of nuts, and they do not seem to have anything special on them. As of now I have gone through half our cabinets and Dianne is now chasing me around with a broom yelling at me to stop destroying her kitchen. I tried to explain the importance of label research and all, but she seemed too concerned that I was digging for the Chex Mix and knocking over the Stove Top. I will have to keep checking and report back with my findings as soon as I am allowed back in the kitchen.

Just another day at the DMV

2006-08-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

Today was the, ”go to the DMV day“. I have no idea why, but it was. I went to the DMV, told the worker that I wanted my Alaskan drivers license, and free money. She hurriedly handed me a piece of paper, told me to fill it out and come back. After filling out all the necessary blanks, I was advised that I would be testing at station 10. Wait one second!! I don’t want any test, I just want a license, and free money. I was dually informed that to qualify for a license and free money you must prove that you are smart enough to pass a written exam. I have no idea why I need to pass a drivers exam for free money, but I suppose it has something to do with the cold weather and snow.

So off I went to my little cubical of hell to play with a computer that thinks it’s smarter than I am. So the first question I am asked is what state I am taking this test in. After that first question, I figure it will not be so bad after all. That is where things started to go down hill. I was asked question that resembled 10th grade algebra questions. One asked, “A car and a train set out a 2 p.m. from different points, headed towards each other. The average speed of the car is 30 mph slower than twice the speed of the train. In two hours, the car is part of the train. What is the rate of speed of the car, and what is the blood alcohol level of the driver when he hit the train.” I was more interested in what the blood alcohol level of the person that wrote the test was. It took me the better part of 30 minutes to answer 20 questions. Most of them I was covering my eyes and just hitting the screen at random areas. As it turns out, the decision between pass or fail came down to one question - the last and only question left on the test. I was supposed to know how far back to stay from an emergency vehicle. Well, as many times as I have chased them as they have gone down my street, I have never had the opportunity to stop one and ask one while there lights were on. I was usually too busy, Oh, say, stopping, and pulling to one side so they could pass. Call me crazy, but I just like to see them getting to where they need to go without me following on there heals. Well, as it turns out, you can chase these emergency vehicles as long as you stay back 500’. Now, I am not sure if you can follow them through red lights, or down the wrong side of traffic, but as long as you stay back 500’ you should be good to go.

I did get the question right. The only reason that I got it right was because it was the highest number that they offered. If they had had one that said 1.5 miles I would have picked that one. I try to stay as far away from emergency vehicles as possible. No matter what the test says, I still think 500’ is a bit too close.

So now I am now longer a Floridian (there is a God…) and am now an….. Hey, what do they call people in Alaska? Am I an Alaskanite? How about a snow cone? Perhaps an Eskimo? Who knows. I am going to have to look that one up. I know for a fact that I am a Cheechako, but what other great and glorious names can I call myself?

Other than that, I have an Alaskan driver license with me and a picture of Denali behind me. I wonder if they are trying to tell me something - am I too big? I can now also vote in Alaska. I wonder if they are disenfranchised her as much as they are in Florida. I bet if I wanted to I could vote here, and in Florida. I bet that would be worth the plane trip.

So the day was all about getting free money, multiple states to vote in, and beer. Oh yea, I forgot to mention the Peanut Farm. They have really great nachos, and there beer isn’t half bad either. Perhaps tomorrow I will share the secret that Budweiser keeps with Alaska. I have traveled all over the country, and never seen what I have seen here (as far a beer goes…). Not only is Alaska slightly different, so is the beer that is imported here. That will have to wait till tomorrow. It is getting late, and I think I hear a bear knocking at the door.

How much for that bear in the window?

2006-08-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

Only in Alaska would you see a sign like this....

Today we decided that we were going to go to Whittier to book seats on a glacier cruise. This was for when Diannes mother comes up to visit in about a month. The drive is about an hour and is very scenic. On the way there we saw several mountain goats hanging out on rocky cliffs high above us. Other than that and the fisherman, there was not much wildlife out to be seen. I suppose they were all resting from a long weekend of partying.

As we arrive in Whittier I notice that the town is rather dead for this time of year, especially for a Sunday. We drive around, and finally spot location we are looking for (Phillips 26). Dianne finds a parking spot and pulls in and parks. As we are walking up to the location, I realize that it is rather small, and does not seem to be occupied by anyone.

Upon entering the location, we are greeted by a friendly woman that asks us how she can be of assistance to us. We explain that we are having guests visit us in about a month, and would like to book seats for a Glacier cruise. She quickly explains the cost, length of cruise, and type of vessel we would be traveling in. We are very pleased at this point and decided that we would like to book right then. That is when she told us that we would have to either call the number on the brochure, or go to Anchorage. We just came from Anchorage…. It seems that they do not take reservations at the information center that is run by the cruise ship. We chalk it up to a learning experience and decide to get something to eat.

Walking around we once again notice that not much is open. It seemed to be rather strange due to cruise ship being in port. We drove a little further and discovered several restaurants on the waterfront. One restaurant even had “pet” reindeer. The problem with all these restaurants was that not only were they incredibly small, but they seemed to think that there food was gold plated. I believe most wanted anywhere from $8-10 for a cheeseburger. Now I don’t mind paying for quality food, but what I saw coming out of the kitchen in some of these places, and it was not “quality”. It would be more akin to the forgotten stepchild of bad fast food. So off we went, back home. The only problem was that now the wait for the tunnel was 30 min. We decided to use that time to explore and see more of the town. After finally finding a vertical muddy dirt road that looked like it lead to the middle of nowhere, we decided that this would be the road we would follow for the next 15 min, or until we were lost in the woods. We took it. The road did not disappoint us. It was filled with knee deep pot holes, and sheer drops that would have easily made us late by about 30 years had we fallen off one. Finally we reached a bridge that crossed a stream. The sign said, “cross at your own risk”. What really worried me though, was the fact that it looked like it had been made 40 years ago with 2X4’s and old fallen trees. The bridge was not in good shape. We decided to turn around and head back. We arrived just in time for the tunnel to open. We drove through and started our journey home.

This is Matilda. She is an escapee from the circus. She came to live in Alaska, and now works the tourist scene.

On the way back, we noticed several dozen cars parked along the side of the road. This is usually a good sign of wildlife. We stopped and were able to see a large black bear eating along the edge of a pond. It was quite large for a black bear, and seemed more interested in finding food than being watched by all the people stopping. It would wander a few feet and then scavenge for more food. Finally it decided that it had had enough of being watched and headed back into the woods. We stayed for several minutes hoping that it would reappear, but it had decided that a second showing was not in order.

After about a half of an hour Dianne screamed, “GOAT”!!! I looked up on the cliffs, but was unable to see any goat. Dianne then said, “No, the goat is in the road”! I looked off on the side of the highway, and there standing in the road was a mountain goat with about 20 people around it taking its picture. The closest people were no more than 10 feet from the goat. It didn’t seem to care in the least. It was just looking around hoping that someone had a nice tasty root, or whatever mountain goats eat. Perhaps an extra value meal from McDonalds. We did not stop due to all the cars parked on the side of the road, but it is always interesting to see how wildlife can stop traffic.

Although we did not get to book the cruise, we did have a very interesting and scenic drive to and from Whittier. We were able to see our first Alaskan Black bear. This in itself was worth the trip. We were also able to see a crazy mountain goat that came down off the rocky cliffs to say hello to everyone. All in all it was a good trip and well worth the time it took to drive.

2006-07-31T23:33:00.000-08:00

This is the "fan on a stick". It and the "box fan" are the only sources of a/c in the house.

Ok, this was written about 4 days ago before I got sick. I was stricken with the stomach flu/food poisoning/Norwalk virus/Ebola/Hemorrhagic fever. I have since recovered and am thinking about bottling the funk and selling it as a celebrity weight loss gimmick. I would probably make millions and become famous in my own rite. Other than that, the weather has since dropped to a reasonable 62 degrees, and all is well again.

What is going on here? I just checked the weather forecast and it said that the current temperature is 70 degrees. It then went on to say it felt like 77!! Yea, no kidding. I was under the assumption that Alaska was supposed to be a relatively cool place in the summer. I am here, and I can tell you that 77 is not cool. Granted, it is not 96 with 493% humidity like in Florida, but it is still noticeably not cool. I am being informed that this “heat wave” will be going on for another 2 days. Great. 2 days that I will have to endure summer like conditions.

On the other hand, I don’t have to worry about how low I am going to keep the A/C. That is primarily due to the fact that I don’t have one. Nope, not even a vent in the ceiling or floor. No A/C for me. I guess that is a bit of a shock seeing that back in good old Florida where I ran from, I not only had 1 A/C unit, but 2. Yea, I had 2 units pushing out 3 ½ tons of ice cold air every day. For those that are interested, that is a total of 7 tons of frigid delight. For fun I used to drop it down to 40 and see how cold I could get the house. I did that once for an entire month until I got the bill. After picking myself up off the floor I decided that I should curb my A/C addiction. The bill was just north of $500. That was for the entire month of July one year. My average bill during the summer would be about $350-$400.

That is why I am so upset with this whole new “no air conditioning” thing. All I have to cool me down are 2 fans. One is a box fan, and the other is a fan on a stick. They both seem to do a fair job of keeping me cool, so I guess I shouldn’t complain that much. What really upset me is when I got the bill this past month. It seems that Dianne has been paying the bills and not telling me how much they were. As I remember, she always went to great lengths to bring the bill to my attention in Florida, but perhaps I am being paranoid…

That is why I was so shocked to find that our electric bills have been running around $20-$40 a month. No, not $200-$400, just $20-$40. I thought it was a joke, or a very serious mistake that I was hoping would last. Since I do not like surprises, especially when they come in the form of having my electricity turned off, I called the power company. They informed me that the bill was correct and that it was actually a little high for this time of year. I almost passed out. Now I know how everyone can afford to drive around in those new 4X4 pick up trucks.

Since we are saving so much money on electricity, I decided that shopping for a new vehicle was perhaps in order. I broached the subject with Dianne, and she agreed that we could go truck shopping, as long as we got whatever she wanted. It sounded like a good deal, and so we agreed that over the weekend we would go shopping if nothing came up. Later that day, somthing came up...

Dianne looked at me and said, “you don’t look so well”. I looked back at her as I was running for the bathroom. I stayed there, huddled in a small ball for the better part of 4 days, while the disease slowly ate away at my very being. On the 4 day, I came out and announced that I was feeling slightly better. Dianne quietly asked how much better. I replied that I was feeling like eating again after 4 days, but only something, “easy on the stomach”. She suggested, eggs, toast, Jell-O, and all sorts of various bland goodies. I replied that I wanted a Philly cheese steak and a white pizza. Beer would be nice also I added. She stared at me like I was a ghost. Actually I might very well have looked like a ghost after sleeping and not eating for that long.

We agreed that we would cut out the beer and pizza, but the cheese steaks could stay as long as we added in a healthy salad and chicken wings (No, not more of those!!). We later switched the chicken wings to chicken strips. We figured it would be much healthier, and easier for me to digest without all that sauce.

If this is new and improved, I want old and inferior

2006-07-26T21:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so what are the chances that getting a new older cable box will be easy? I was told that any cable location should have them, and just to stop in and exchange it. There are about a half dozen locations around Anchorage, and they should all have the box, right? Yea, and if you believe that one, I have some swamp land in Florida I would like to sell ya.

So off I went to the nearest location. I toted in my new improved cable box and asked for an old and inferior model. The clerk quickly headed to the back room to hunt down on of the dusty relics in the closet. About 5 minutes later she came back and informed me that they were totally out of the model that I had requested, and that I should try another store. Ok, not a problem. I just got another new model to replace my old new model and off I went. I decided that driving all over town was going to be a waste of time so I went home to make a few calls to track down a cable box and hook up the one I had gotten.

When I hooked up the new new cable box, surprisingly one of the 5 channels that I wanted worked! Could it be that all I needed was a new box? Of course not.. After the box received all its new information from the “mother cable company ship” I was denied even the one channel that was originally working. I do believe they are out to get me. Once again I made several calls to tech support to explain the situation and try to get things working without having to go all over town to search for another older cable box. It was a lesson in futility. I should have known better. The good part is that I had the tech call all the locations around town looking for my elusive black (actually it’s silver) box. They were able to locate one and had it chained down until I arrived.

At the cable company I was greeted by Grizzly Adams, or perhaps a small brown bear. In any case it was very furry and spoke English. I was nervous at first, but when it handed over my new old box, I was too happy to care. I was kind of concerned about the fact that they were trying to grow grass on the counter, but my mind quickly changed gears, and I was headed home. Once home I plugged in the old and inferior model to see if I would need to make 45,053 more calls to tech support. To my amazement, it worked. I held my breath - Then I held it some more. I passed out and was woken by Dianne slapping me saying, “breath stupid, breath”. I made a mental note not to hold my breath anymore. The channels were still working.

It seems that the “cable mother ship” likes these older boxes, and so allows all the channels to be received. I (and the cable company) still have no idea why the new boxes are so temperamental. I suppose it really doesn’t matter now that I have the last box that works in Anchorage!!! I wonder what I would get for it on eBay?

Random sights from around the corner

2006-07-26T18:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am pretty used to panhandlers. They hold up there sign asking for money, or food and are pretty much harmless. On an average day in a good spot, they probably make more money than me. I have seen them across the country, from Florida to New York, and from Nevada to Canada. They are all pretty much seem the same.

Not here. It seems that although Anchorage has a large number of homeless, they are different. Not different in the homeless sense, but in there attitude towards being homeless. You see, while most homeless people in the lower 48 seem to be dejected and morose, the homeless here seem to be very happy. We have one gentleman that frequents a corner and has a sign that reads, “Bill is looking for a rich wife with a fat ass”. He also dances and sings. He may be homeless, but at least he is enjoying himself. Other signs that I have seen around are, “looking for one sock”. I will have to drive by again to see if he really only has one sock, or if he is collecting one at a time. Another that has been seen is, “need one penny”. I suppose he is not setting his sights very high, but I guess you have to start somewhere.

Yesterday I saw something that I am not sure of what it was. As we were waiting at an intersection when we noticed a woman standing on a corner. She did not look homeless in any way, and was not holding a sign. What she was holding was what looked like a wolf pelt. The entire thing - Head and all. She just stood there with her flat friend draped over her shoulder and hanging down about 3-4 feet. I was quite puzzled (and still am…). Was she waiting for the light to turn to get across the street, or was she trying to sell the pelt? After getting done shopping, we noticed that she was still standing on the corner holding her deflated wolf. No sign, no indication of moving. I wanted to go ask her if she was selling the pelt, but we had bigger and better fish to fry that day. I suppose I could drive by and see if she is there again today.

Other than the wolf lady, it was a pretty normal day. One thing that I do need to get done is exchanging my cable box. It seems that the newest and best boxes that they have do not accept some channels. I have probably talked to customer service for 2 hours straight. I would venture to guess that I have talked to over half a dozen reps with no satisfaction. They did send out a cable repairman that looked at the box, pushed several buttons and made a 2 minute call to the “super secret tech support”. He came back and told me that the new and improved box did not work (I already figured that out…), and that I would need an old and inferior model. Great. Now I need to go get an older box to watch the new Hi-Def channels (all 5 of them). Hopefully it will be less of a hassle then dealing with customer support. We will see.

A day in the Mountains

2006-07-24T16:06:00.000-08:00

Combat fishing at its best - Once I get my fishing license, I will be the third guy on the right.

Today was just another typical Sunday. It started with Breakfast (lunch for most - 1:30pm) at the American Dinner. This place is a typical dinner with good cheap food. That is a must in a place that can drain your wallet dry faster than the Sahara in a dry spell. Nothing is free or cheap in Alaska. Everything comes at a price. Even getting to the best scenery will cost you a half a days hike, and about 3000 calories, although sometimes you do get lucky.

Today was also a lucky day. After the dinner, we headed to our storage unit to make sure that our trailer was still there. If it had been stolen, I could get almost a years rent back and afford the Taco Bell that we were going to eat tonight. Unfortunately
it was standing watch where we had left it several week hence. We decided to go shopping for recliners since the plastic sofa is only big enough for one, and not very comfortable. Dianne asked me where we should go, so I gladly advised her of the direction she should head.

On the way to our destination, she saw a garage sale sign. Now I do not know a women that can resist the allure of a garage sale, so I let her go. She sniffed around and looked at a couch that they had out for sale. I was worried that she might buy it and I would have to figure out how to get it home. She came back to the car and told me that there was nothing that she was interested in. I asked her about the couch. She said that it would not match anything. Intrigued, I asked how much they wanted for it. She said $30. I wanted to run out of the car and drag the couch home. Unfortunately home was 7 miles away, and I have a problem walking 7 feet, much less 7 miles. So the couch stayed. It was to be someone else’s prized find. We were off to find new recliners for watching the TV.

Dianne did not seem happy when we arrived at our destination. I tried to explain that sometimes you find the best things in the strangest places. Her response was, “So why are we at a shooting range again?” Women have the hardest time understanding the male brain. I explained to her that we needed to get information on the range in order to be prepared when we go shooting. She retorted with the typical female response, “We were supposed to be looking for furniture”. Yea, but now we are here, and we should check it out - It will be fun. She followed me reluctantly. We made our way to the range officers booth and asked all the necessary questions like if they allow bazookas, fully automatic weapons, rocket launchers, ect. The range officer explained that we could fire anything short of a nuclear bomb as long as we has the permits for it. I was satisfied, and we decided to leave. Upon leaving someone at the rifle range fired off something that must have been about a 642mm round. The sound knocked both me and Dianne to the ground. Upon getting up, Dainne inquired to me what that was. I answered that it was a gun. She responded by asking me what caliber it was. My response was, “big”. I may not know much about weapons, but I know a big gun when I hear it…

So off we went, across the river and through the woods (actually they were more like mountains) to the fish processing plant we went. Along the way we passed a stream full of combat fisherman. They were lined up shoulder to shoulder trying there best to land a trophy. It seems that some had already given up and were directing the action from the shore.

At the fish processing plant we discovered that not only did a fish processing plant smell like, well, a fish processing plant, but that they also sold Ptarmigan (see chicken Alaska for details). Satisfying our need to know where fish and chicken are processed, we decided to head home. Back down the mountain we headed trying our best not to burn out the breaks, or fall off side of a mountain.

It seems that these simple goats are in much better shape than me...

On our way back we noticed bunch of cars parked on the side of the highway. Since we were curious, and had nothing better to do, we joined the group. We quickly learned that they were watching a family of mountain goats high up on a cliff. Since I did not have a telephoto lenses, I decided to climb up the cliff to get a better photo of the goats. This is where I learned two valuable lessons. First, I should never attempt to scale a vertical cliff unless I have a death wish. Second, I am not in good enough shape to have a death wish. Instead I settled for pictures taken from the relative comfort and safety of the roadside. All in all is was a pretty productive day. I was able to get the price for range fees and shoot mountain goats all in the same day.

A Fish Tale

2006-07-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

This is where I almost jumped into the creek to go "pet" the fish. Dianne stopped me before I could even get my second shoe off... Notice the fish in the lower right. It seems to be giving me, "the tail"

Fishing is something that I have always loved. I have fished in almost every form there is, from fishing with just line and a tin can, to using tackle that would cost more than most peoples home computers. I have tried to spread my passion to as many people as I could. I have taken complete strangers fishing simply because they wanted to and did not know how to fish. Most of my friends and family I have been fishing with and will attest that I truly love the activity. For me, not much else gives me a feeling of being so close to nature as being on the water, relaxing, waiting for that moment when the fish takes your bait and the battle commences.

The art of fishing that I am most accustomed to is solitary in nature and usually happens when I am by myself in 3-4 feet of water. I will usually wade out on a grass flat about a mile from land with no one in sight but perhaps a lonely dolphin swimming in the distance. That is one of the reasons that I was so surprised about how they fish here in Anchorage. Fishing is not a solitary venture here. In fact I would go so far as to say that it is more of a team sport than anything. For those of you that are familiar with Anchorage, I am referring to the combat fishing at Ship Creek. To be more precise, the area around the walkway that goes over the creek. You see, in most cases, there are those that fish, and those that watch others fish. In most cases, the two classes are very distinct and separate. The fisherman fish, and the watchers watch. Pretty simple, right? Not here. You see, here the fisherman fish, but the watchers are responsible for more than just watching. They are responsible for letting the fisherman know where the fish are, and to precisely guide them to the waiting prey. Something like a fishing guide of sorts.

The first indication that I had been sucked into this strange sport was when we walked onto the bridge overlooking the creek. The first thing that amazed me was the amount of people fishing. There were probably 30-40 people fishing shoulder to shoulder on the shoreline. It was that way on both sides of the bank. The other thing that amazed me was the amazing number of fish. Schools of 12-30+ fish would swim by within feet of the wading fisherman, past there lines, around there hooks, and up the creek. The people on the bridge that were not fishing would help spot the schools and tell the fishermen below where to cast there lines. It was truly a team effort.

For all the hundreds of salmon that we saw swimming by, nobody seemed to be catching any fish. It was almost as though the fish were taunting the fisherman. They would swim up, over, and back down the creek - All in a never ending cycle It was almost as though they were saying, “ha, ha, here I am, you can’t catch me…”. I just wanted to whip out a cast net and grab a few dozen for snacks, but for some reason, I do not think that would be legal. I could just see myself getting arrested for salmon snatching…

This is the Salmon hatchery that is guarded tighter than Fort Knox. I had to run when the guard saw me taking pictures of the "prized salmon".

Later that day we drove up ship creek a few miles to a salmon hatchery where they tempt you with hundreds of king salmon in giant fish tanks. The signs say no fishing, but what other reason do they have for collecting such large amounts of fish, other than to let weary fisherman like myself wet a line in a tank filled with hundreds of fish? I am still trying to figure out how to get past the security guard, around the electric fence, over the gate, and through the barbed wire. They sure are making it difficult for me to fish around here…

Inspiration

2006-07-17T21:21:00.000-08:00

This is Dianne and Nick (Nick is on the leash…) right before they were sucked down into the mud flats in Anchorage.

Actually, that picture is not even of Anchorage. It was taken at Ft. DeSoto in St. Petersburg, Florida about a month before we left for Alaska. The truth of the matter is that I have not seen Dianne since she left for the Dimond Mall with my credit card about 4 hours ago. I think she is trapped in some Twilight Zone like shopping spree where everything she buys disappears, so she has to go back and buy it again. Either that or she is just really enjoying buying everything in sight. Hopefully she will remember to buy me razors. I haven’t shaved in 4 days and am starting to feel like sasquatch. I may need hedge trimmers before I hit the beard with the razor. I think I will go to Home Depot for power equipment if Dianne ever gets home. That would teach her to go shopping for 4 hours and have more fun than me.

Since Dianne has found a new home at the mall, I have started to watch more TV than I usually do. In fact, I think that this is the longest I have watched TV in several years. I must have been watching that thing for several hours straight. I even started talking to it at one point. I was watching an infomercial about knives or something. The guy was cutting things that I would never eat. I really didn’t care if he could cut a hammer with a knife, I was more concerned as to where the bottle opener was on that thing. I started yelling at the TV like it could hear me. I think the neighbors started getting worried, because I heard them come out on there porch and start listening to me lecture the TV about lying to people and truth in advertising.

Since I have been watching so much TV lately, (all 2 hours) I have decided to get the High Definition programming package (all 5 channels…). I have purchased a TV that has the capability to handle it, and I think I need to watch Law and Order in Hi-Def. The cost is surprisingly low. I thought that it would be about the same as a monthly truck payment, but as it turns out, it is only about the cost of my monthly electric pencil fund. So now I will be watching Doink-Doink (Law and Order) in high def. That and the fact that I also get Sponge Bob Square pants in Hi-Def (added bonus). I sure hope I can convince Dianne to go for it - If she ever gets home…

A Root Beer a day......

2006-07-13T22:22:00.000-08:00

I wonder if anyone in this house likes Root Beer??? And why exactly are they in the freezer???

Today was a great day. We finally were able to get a parking space for Flat Top mountain. We did not actually hike to Flat Top mountain due to time constraints, but we did do the Anchorage loop - A much smaller and easier trail. We were able to see how the trail runs from where we were. It seemed like a really nice trail until the last 500 feet or so. Then it looked like a rock climb to the top. We will save this climb for another day when we can leave early in the morning, and spend the entire day exploring.

The botanical gardens were very nice. We did not run into any bears, but did get to see an herb garden. I was amazed at the variety of different types and sizes of herbs that they had, although they were missing one herb that I hear is especially common in Alaska… In any case, I was able to stock up on all my essential herbs, and no longer have to go to the store to buy any (who cares what that sign said…).

I am now cooking again. Primarily due to the fact that we were able to get a dinning room table. It was made by an 8 year old in China that couldn’t drill straight. Yes, this was a put-it-tougher yourself project also. It only took me the better part of 4 hours. The chairs are a little wobbly, and the table leans to one side, but if you tilt your head, and hold one foot off to the side, you could never tell. Dianne is thrilled that she no longer has to eat standing up, and to tell you the truth, so am I. Our next big project is getting a couch. I am really not looking forward to putting that together…

Busy Day

2006-07-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

This is one of the many thousands of flowers at the botanical gardens in Anchorage.

Today will be devoted to going to Flat Top mountain, and hopefully finding a parking space. That in itself qualifies as an accomplishment for the day. After that we are headed off to the Anchorage botanical gardens. It is over 110 acres of flowers, shrubs, herbs, all arranged for your enjoyment. For those of you in Florida, imagine Sunken Gardens, but about 7 times as large.

After the gardens, we will be going to a sporting goods store to look at Alaskan Light Sabers (.44 magnums). I have been eyeing one for quite some time, and am going to try to convince the clerk that he should let me “test it out” first. It probably will not happen, but I will try anyway.

This is the reason that I need an Alaskan Light Saber. Dianne took this picture the last time she was at the gardens. Needless to say, she did not go any further...

Zen and the Art of doing the Wash

2006-07-08T23:56:00.000-08:00

Today was a Saturday. Just the normal, everyday, do anything you want Saturday. Except for one thing. We couldn’t do anything we wanted, and we had a doctors appointment. A doctors appointment on Saturday. From where I came from, this would sound like crazy talk. The only way you could see a doctor in Florida on a Saturday, is if it was in the emergency room. Not here. It seems that they are open on Saturdays and late (until 8pm some nights). This was not a walk in clinic either. It was a real life, honest to goodness, see a real doctor, doctors office.

So in we go to fill out the forms and get set up as new patients. Actually Dianne was the only one getting set up, I will get set up in three or four years, or as soon as we decided to stay here. Dianne diligently filled out the paperwork that is required to be considered a good doobie. After she was half way done with the second page, she stopped and looked at me strangely. She said, “I need help”. Always one to be of assistance, I asked her what she needed. I figured she would ask when she last saw a doctor, or what her allegories were - Not a chance. She pointed to a line on the page, and asked me how she should answer it. As I looked at the line I could not believe what I saw. Perhaps I am old and somewhat prudish, but I was actually shocked at what I saw.

The line that lay before me read, “Sexual Preference”. Now I am not that old, but I am really not sure what that is doing on a medical history form. Dianne and I bounced ideas back and forth for several minutes. Some of the answers that we came up for Sexual Preference were: “I didn‘t know I had a choice”, “as much as possible”, “Same as last week“, “on top”, “on bottom”, “read Karma Sutra”, “Will I be tested on this?”, “not sure”, “Woman”, “man”. The one that we ended up putting on the form was, “With my husband”. I really hope someone reads that, but I have a feeling that it will just get filed away with the millions of other pieces of paper that never get read.

So off we sped to lunch. Surprisingly we found one of the best Italian restaurant that we have ever eaten at. Even more surprising was that it is directly next to the Chinese restaurant from hell. The place is wonderful. It reminds me much of CD Romas, but with better food, and service. For those of you not familiar with CD Romas, it is a restaurant that caters only to the rich and famous. Just getting a table sometimes takes months. Me and Dianne used to eat there at least twice a week…..

After lunch I was informed that I would be dropped off while Dianne took part in a weekly ritual that all women dream of…..Shopping. I was also made aware that the wash needed to be done, and that it should be done by the time she got back home. I did not think that it would be a problem due to the fact that Dianne has been known to go shopping for over 3 hours at a time. She once tried to explain to me that shopping was much like a sport of sorts. Kind of like a guy watching football, or playing poker and drinking with his buddies. I still have no clue.

Doing wash is something that I find very relaxing. Of course, I also found mowing 2 acres of knee high grass in Florida at 2pm in the middle of summer relaxing also. It all started when Dianne decided to burn out the motor of our washing machine that was just out of warranty. I could either pay a repairman $2,345.23 to replace the motor, or do it myself. It only took me the better part of a day, but needless to say, I can now change the motor in a direct drive washing machine faster than it takes to do a load of whites. I know this because the motor burned out 2 more times before I got a new washing machine. Until that time I would sort, organizes by color, size, type, feel, need and any other category that I felt necessary to prolong the washing process. I could usually spend the better part of a day just doing wash. Watching the machine fill with water, agitate the clothes into submissive cleanness, and then just spin the crap out of them. I think the spinning is my favorite. I even created a device that would allow me to keep the lid open so that I could watch the clothes spin around at 573mph. Oh, the relaxation of the spin cycle!!!

I seem to acquire strange skills and talents, not out of want, but out of necessity. So now, I can change a washing machine motor, replace a water heater, and kill rats with 50,000 volts - Man, that is a great story….

Hooters - The Joy of Deep Fried Chicken Wings

2006-07-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

Hooters by candle light.

What is it about Hooters that makes me stupid? I like to think that I am relatively intelligent, and have a good head on my shoulders, but the second I step into Hooters it all flys out the window. Today I decided that I wanted wings. Not just any wings mind you, but Hooters wings. I really like(love) them. I think it is the breading that they are fried in that does something to me. Whatever it is, there tender goodness is delicious.

So we arrive at Hooters and I get out to get a menu. When I return we decided that we will have 20 wings with medium sauce - all drummies of course… So off we go into the great wonderland of deep fried chicken wings. We make our way to the counter and wait to place our order. A friendly server approaches us and asks if there is anything she could help us with. We advise her that we would like 20 medium wings - all drummies please.

This is where things start to get a little fuzzy. She leaned over the bar and spoke. I really have no idea of what she said, but she had a Russian accent, and very white teeth. I looked at Dianne. Dianne looked at me. I was hoping that she knew what was said, and would somehow translate it to me. It did not quite happen that way. Dianne asked what I thought.

What did I think?

I didn’t understand a damn thing she just said, much less have an opinion on it.

Well, it sound interesting I said. What do you think?

I was playing it safe here. Whatever she said, I would just agree and act like I knew what was going on the whole time. That was the ticket!

Dianne said it sounded like a good deal and we would take it.

I was off the hook. I had played the game perfectly. Dianne got what she thought was a good deal, and I got to keep my dignity. She would never know that I had no idea what the waitress was talking about.

The waitress said that it would be about 15-20 minutes, and what would we like with our 50 wings!!?!?!?!?

What? Did she just say what I thought she said? I could have sworn that she just said, “50” wings. Normally I will only eat about 10 wings before I start to get sick of them. On a good day I can polish off, say, oh about 15-20 wings if I am really hungry. I now just ordered 50 and I have no idea how or why. All I remember is that Alyona leaned across the counter and stole my common sense. I felt violated. I had been made to do something that I didn’t want to do, and I had no idea why I did it. I wasn’t sure which was worse - having to eat 50 wings, or not knowing why I ordered them.

I had just ordered enough wings to feed 5 people. I wondered what I was going to do with all the wings. I figured that if I ate 5 wings for breakfast, lunch and dinner, they would last for 3 ½ days. I would eat chicken wing salad, chicken wing sandwiches, chicken wing kabobs, grilled chicken wings, roasted chicken wings…. I could go to a park and feed the homeless chicken wings. I could go fishing and use chicken wings for bait (do salmon like chicken?). Any way I looked at it, I was going to be surrounded by chicken wings for a while.

That night after we got home, I asked Dianne what kind of chicken wing she wanted. She looked at me and said, “Oh, I’m not in the mood for chicken wings. I think I am going to have a burger“.

Now I have a strange feeling that they are going to last for 7 days....

...You can call me Bun-bun if you want

2006-07-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

This is Bun-bun. He is not as large as moosee, but every bit as cute.

As you know, July 2nd the car decided to spring another leak. It was the radiator hose that was causing the problem. I was unable to determine which hose it was, but was quite sure it was from one of the hoses, and not the radiator. I thought that I would take it to the local garage and have them fix the problem the next day. So I got up bright and early, filled the radiator with water and prayed that I would make it to the garage without the engine overheating. Off I went, down the street. At every red light I would turn off the car to help the engine stay cool for as long as possible. Just as I turned into the garage, the engine started to show signs of heating up. That was ok though because I had made it to the garage, and fifteen minutes early! I just had to sit around and wait for the staff to show up and I would get a ride home from them. So I waited, and waited, and waited. Just then a car pulled up. I thought it was one of the mechanics. He got out of his car and asked me if the shop was open. I told him I didn’t think it was open yet, but it was probably going to open any minute. He waked up to the door and said, “I don’t think so”. I looked at a note that was taped to the door. It read, “We will be closed Monday July 3rd for the 4th of July weekend. We will re-open on Wednesday July 5th. Thank you”. Oh, that’s just great I thought. Now I have to drive back home with a hot engine that is already starting to overheat. I decided that the best way to get back home was to do it fast. The quicker I got home the faster I could start my 4th of July in isolation. The car drove fine for the first half of the way home. Then it started to have some fun with me. It would start making hissing noises as if it were telling me that I shouldn’t have driven it this far. At red lights, it would spew steam like Old Faithful from under the radiator. Every time I stopped someone would have to point out that my van was overheating. Like I couldn’t tell from the mountains of steam pouring from under the hood… Finally we made it home and just as the engine started to really get hot. Now for the next two days I would get to sit and do nothing in the house. Good thing I have a bed and TV, otherwise I might have to entertain myself. Heaven forbid I do anything crazy like that.

Today I ran the gauntlet with the car again. Up to the repair shop. The only difference was that this time they were actually open. I dropped off the car and was taken home by one of there drivers. I will hopefully be advised that the car is done and ready to be picked up shortly. It has been a fun two days of doing nothing, but I did get a chance to chase Bun-bun around the complex….

The Road to Nowhere

2006-07-03T06:50:00.000-08:00

This is the road to Flat Top mountian. I was hanging on to the car for dear life as I took this picture. Anchorage is in the background

Today was a lazy day. Just sitting back, relaxing, doing nothing. I often wonder if everyone else is like me. To find out, I decided to go exploring. I often wondered why Anchorage is so empty on weekends. Where do all the people go? Today I found out. Just for kicks, I decided to drive up dead mans curve/heavens hill/drop of death (call it what you will, it is one hell of a steep road) to flat top mountain. Those of you that live in and around Anchorage are probably laughing, saying, “steep, maaaan, that isn’t even a bump on my radar. Ok, I am new here and not used to driving up 45 degree inclines yet - give me a break. So as you probably already know, everyone that wants to go for a short hike, goes to flat top mountain. That would be about half the population of Anchorage. On the way up, I saw people parking on the side of the road. That was about a half a mile from the parking area. When I got there, the place was packed. Not a spot to be had. I couldn’t have found a spot if I was driving a moped. Then again, I don’t think I could have made it up that far on a moped… In any case, I decided to come back down and hop on the Seward Hwy for fun.

So after burning out my brakes coming down the mountain and doing irreparable damage to my engine and transmission having put it in 1 the whole way down I was off to the Potters Marsh area. That is where I realized where the other half of Anchorage goes on the weekends. No, not Potters Marsh, but somewhere further than that. How do I know? Well, because while I was the only person leaving Anchorage, everyone else was coming back. I really would like to know where they went, because there were hundreds of them - and they all looked happy. I want to be happy. I want to go to places that nobody else but 500 of my closest friends knows about.

So I decided that since all of Anchorage was going home, I should to. I turned around and headed home. About half way home I noticed a squealing noise. I secretly hoped it was coming from the car next to me. At the next light I did not hear the squeal anymore, but noticed the temperature gauge moving quite quickly to the right. This was not good. I figured that the radiator hose had sprung another leak, and was quickly running out of fluid. I smelled the sweet smell of radiator fluid/money leaking from my hoses. I knew that this was going to be a problem. I quickly drove home and parked the car. I opened the hood and it was in fact a leak in one of the hoses. I will now have to have it (hopefully) repaired today. I think it is under warrantee, but who knows. It has been more than 30 days since it was repaired, so it may not be. Wish me luck!! We will find out Shortly.

......Saturday, what a day, I think it was the 1st of July.....

2006-07-01T21:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, I think I may be addicted to this Chinese place. This is the second time in three days that I have been there. I haven’t eaten this much Chinese food in at least 6 months. I hate Chinese food - never have liked the stuff. Every time I go into a Chinese restaurant I start humming that song, “cats in the kettle…” Not at this restaurant. I just keep stuffing the stuff in like it was my last meal or something. I am beginning to think they are putting something in the food. Whatever it is it tastes good, and I hope they don’t stop. If I keep eating there at this rate, I will be putting there youngest through college.

So after eating Garfield we decided to go bargain shopping for some house wares. We decided on the Salvation Army due to its large selection and proximity to Comp USA. I could look at computer stuff while the wife looked for useless stuff like couches and dinning room tables… So we finally arrive at the location and I decided that I would take a look around and see if they had any goodies that I might be interested in. As we walked in the door I asked the wife what she was hunting for:

Me to Wife: So what are you looking to get?

Wife answering: I am hoping to find a dinning room table, couch, end tables, a piggy bank, and some toys for the dog.

Me to Wife: That sounds great

Wife to me: So what are you looking for?

Me answering: A 12 gauge pump action shot gun.

Wife to me: Oh, well, good luck

Me to Wife: yea, you too

Off we went in our perspective directions each looking for virtual gold. After several minutes of searching I got lost. Yea, this place was pretty big. Smaller than a Home Depot, but larger than your local tackle shop. I finally found Dianne and told her that I was giving up and going next door. She seemed disappointed that I was quitting so soon, but that was the longest I had shopped in over a year, and was feeling queasy. She told me that she would be over shortly and we parted ways.

The Comp USA was wonderful. Bright lights, fancy toys, and things that I could not afford at every turn. I marveled at all the thingies with buttons, and gizmos with lights. I was in my element. I traveled up and down isles with nothing but wires for every occasion. I saw cameras that took pictures even if you weren’t there. I played games with a 7 year old that knew more about computers than I did. He was using fancy names, like keyboard, and mouse (showoff…). So after being beaten in Kung-Fu-Basketball for the 18th time I decided to head over to what I actually came for - the Vonage setup. I was not sure if it worked or not, but I was willing to give it a try. Hey, for free (or as close to it as I can get) I was willing to give it a shot.

At this time I realized that it had been about 20 minutes and Dianne was still nowhere to be seen. At first I worried, but then remembered that I had the car keys. What was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to check out and just be standing around waiting. I looked around. What to my wondrous eyes might appear, but a tiny cradle, and eight tiny reindeer (ok, it was actually a phone, but that just didn‘t sound right…). It screamed, “use me - I’m free”. Or at least that is what I heard. So I picked up the phone and dialed a long distance phone number. I think I may have been a relative, but at that point, anybody would have done. They answered. It was in fact a relative, or at least someone that acknowledged me. We talked, and talked, and talked. I decided that if I could talk this long on someone else’s phone for free, I really needed to get this thing and talk my little heart out. Now nobody was going to be safe. At that point Dianne appeared out of nowhere and asked if I was ready. I said no, but she told me to grab whatever it was that I wanted and hurry up. She said that this place was boring, and all the stuff was too expensive to be looking at. I agreed as I wandered off into a maze of laptops…

Faith...

2006-06-30T00:31:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I am a masochist. I seem to enjoy torturing myself. I have no idea where this trait came from, or if I will ever loose it, but I have had it for quite some time. Now that I come to think of it, I am not sure if I am a masochist, or just plain unlucky. Well in any case… Just 2 days after my fateful trip to the, “hell of all Chinese buffets” I decided that it would be a really good idea to go to another Chinese restaurant. I know, I know, I just recovered from the horror of the last one and now you want to go do it again… I hear you. But I had Faith. Faith in a Chinese restaurant that I did not know. Faith in a chef that I had never met. Faith in a server that had never served me. In short, I had Faith.

Well, it seems Faith paid off. I was rewarded with a dinning experience that was as good as the last one was bad. We were seated by a courteous and kind waitress, given water, and handed our menus. The food was superb. It was cooked better than I was hoping for and the portions were amazing. I must say that it was probably the best Chinese food I have ever eaten. The most interesting part was that it was cheaper than the buffet that nearly killed us.

If anyone was wondering, it was the Panda resteraunt - No, not the fast food thing the see in the mall, but a real Chinese restaurant. This was the first Chinese restaurant that we went to and left before going to the hell on earth buffet. I learned my lesson. When you see Kwai Chang Caine (David Carradine) eating at a restaurant, you should know the place has good eats!!!

Alaskan Summer

2006-06-28T18:20:00.000-08:00

I came here for the cold weather and hot women. I would like to know where all the cold weather is… Today was hot. Not the kind of hot you find in, oh say, Florida, but hot non the less. The weather report says that it is 70 degrees. I think it feels more like 80 - I was walking around breaking a sweat. This is not something that I moved here for. I moved here for the cold weather, free money and no taxes. So far I like the no taxes thing. I think I will have to wait a little while for the cold weather and free money though.

Just walking the dog

2006-06-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

....Why did the moose cross the road????

Today was an early day. I was going to get my smoke detector fixed, and I wanted to make sure I was up early so that I heard the repairman knock. I rolled out of bed at 7:45am and took the first shower of the day. I don’t think I have been up this early in over a month. It was as bad as having to go to work. I dressed quickly and took my spot on the new couch. I started watching TV. At first I was watching leave it to beaver, then I switched to a channel that was explaining how to skin a whale. They were speaking in there native tongue, so I have no idea of what they were saying. All I know is that if you have a sharp enough blade, you can probably skin a whale in less than 4 channel changes. That would be about a half an hour to the rest of us. I finally settled on a shopping channel that was selling whale baculums. If you have no idea of what they are, just do a Google search on it and I think you will figure it out…. It is really amazing some of the things that they will sell here in Alaska. In any case, I waited, and waited, and waited some more. I had gotten up at 8:00am and I don’t even have a job. I was starting to feel like I was the red headed step child of this apartment complex. Not even the maintenance worker wanted to help me.

Feeling sad and dejected, I decided that if I had to suffer, so did Dianne. Always remembering what I was taught as a child (misery loves company) I raced into the bedroom. There she was, fast asleep, in her little million dollar nest. I pondered for a while on how best to rouse her without getting hit or verbally abused. After much thought, I decided that there was only one way. It was an ancient method that I use only on special occasions. Using it always causes the wife to wake cheerfully and without argument – But it has always cost me dearly. The method is this: I walk into the sleeping chamber, slowly rouse the sleeping wife, gently pull the covers down, and in the most energetic voice I can muster, say: “Honey, are you hungry – I am starving. I think we should go out for breakfast”. It never fails, or at least not yet. She will usually be ready in 5-10 minutes. That is pretty impressive coming from a person that swears that it is impossible to get ready in under a half hour.

So off we go to Gwennies for the best eggs and reindeer sausage this side of the Yukon. Actually I had the soup and sandwich (so did Dianne). I know it was not very creative, but I was not feeling that adventurous and I knew that I would not be able to finish the entire plate of sausage. Breakfast/Lunch was amazing and we had a great discussion about what I was going to let Dianne purchase today.

I knew that getting Dianne up early today could cause problems. It seems that she is getting very anxious to replace our current couch with a newer, less plastic version. She keeps whining about wanting more space, cushions, and comfort. I usually just smile and point out that it was only $12 at home depot. She does not seem impressed. So today we went to Baileys. No this is not a gym, or casino, it is a furniture store. The kind that serves coffee and tea in the lobby. They were also filming a commercial. I silently wondered who paid for all this coffee, tea, and commercials. It couldn’t be me – could it??? Our sales rep was quite polite and knowledgeable about all thing couch. He showed us big ones, he showed us small ones. He showed us fluffy ones, he showed us flat ones. We saw ones that were made of leather, ones that were made of cloth. We sat on couches that were made near, and ones that were made far. After sitting on every couch the store had, we decided that we should keep our options open and search some more somewhere else. Happy to leave, I eagerly agreed and headed to the door.

After getting in the car, we decided that we were tired and needed to go home to take a rest. We had been going now for at least 2 hours and were totally exhausted from all the strenuous shopping that we had been doing. While heading back home we decided to get gas. Nothing unusual happened, just the normal total of $938.88 for a tank of gas.

This is the entrance to our appartment complex. It seems that we now have a moose with babies that is going to call this home. I wonder if she is paying as much in rent as I am????

Going home we talked about our day and how we should go to the zoo tomorrow. As we turned the corner onto the road to our complex, I asked Dianne to let me out right before the gate so that I could walk the dog. Just as I said that she slammed on the bakes and stopped the car. I looked at her and told her that I wanted to be dropped off at the gate, not this far back. She just stared ahead and said, “look”. I thought she was mad at me for not wanting to take the dog for a longer walk, so I tried to explain to her how I was tired and did not feel like going for a long walk. She just stared ahead and said, “look”. Getting somewhat peeved I asked her what she was talking about. She just said, “look”. I had no idea what she was talking about. I glanced ahead of us where she should have dropped me off. What I saw was amazing. There in the trees was a fully grown mother moose eating leaves. Several feet ahead of her were her two Calves. The calves were “small”. They probably were only 300lbs each. The mother was probably closer to 1,000+. We just sat and stared while they went on eating as though nothing was wrong. A neighbor walked out of there house and right up to the moose. She was probably within 12 feet and taking pictures. I thought for sure we were going to be witnesses to a moose murder, but the moose just kept on eating. The lady went back to her house, and the moose went on to greener pastures. The very spot where the moose were eating is where I walk the dog on a nightly basis. I decided that taking the dog for a walk would never be the same. There are moose in Anchorage – Some closer than others…

Everybody was Kung Fu fighting......

2006-06-22T20:31:00.000-08:00

WARNING: This is going to be a rant of epic proportions. I am going to use crass and harsh words that may offend some readers. I will describe things in such detail that some may wish to stop reading and vomit. If you have just eaten, or are going to eat, or have ever eaten before, you may wish to skip this post. Yes, it is about food. You have been warned. Read on – if you dare……

A good meal can be like a beautiful sunset. This was not one of them. This was more like a mangled, bloody train wreck where nobody survives. Today we decided to go out and find a good Chinese restaurant. We drove around town for a while looking for any restaurants that had a buffet. Chinese is always better when you can stuff yourself with as much of it as you can handle. I suppose we feel like we are getting our monies worth or some such thing. In any case, I have found that there are two kinds of Chinese buffets – The really good ones, and the really bad ones. I haven’t found too may that fall in the middle. Usually they are really good, or just plain crappy. In this case, it was amazing, and not in the good sense. I have got to say that this was by far the worst Chinese food I have ever eaten.

We first pulled into a restaurant that did not have a buffet, but I got a to-go menu and we read it over in the car. It had been voted #1 by small elves that deliver mattresses for several years in a row. I knew that it was a decent place to eat, because I saw David Carradine from Kung Fu Theater eating there. Against my better judgment we moved on looking for the elusive buffet.

Turning the corner, we spotted a busy looking Chinese buffet that had obviously either been a Wendy’s, or Rax in a former life. We decided that a busy parking lot was a sign of good food. We pulled in and parked. Walking in the restaurant we were impressed with the many buffet stations, and shiny brass fixtures. This place had class. We were promptly seated and given hot tea with ice water. The server advised us that we could help ourselves anytime we were ready. Dianne went first while I guarded the purse.

The restaurant seemed strangely empty for having had so many cars outside. I still have no idea where they all came from. Perhaps they were staff that just parked out in the front to make it seem busy, or it could have been the cars of the dead patrons that had already eaten there. The cars were a warning: this many people have died here today…. In any case the car will always be a mystery, for I will never go back there to find out where they came from.

As Dianne returned and sat down I looked at her plate to see what she had gotten – It looked good. She had various dishes that resembled food of sorts. As I began to exit, I glanced at her. She had a worried/scared look on her face. I thought that perhaps she had seen the kitchen and not been too impressed. Seconds later I would learn why she had the worried look on her face.

I grabbed a plate and eagerly headed to the first station. I was greeted with trays that were either 90% empty, or just plain disgusting looking. I figured that they were just changing the trays and fresh food would be out shortly. I was sadly mistaken. The restaurant stated that they had a 60 item buffet. That would probably be true if all the trays were filled. The problem was that most of them were empty. As I browsed the crap I scooped up SMALL portions of mystery meat, green string, brown balls, and a grease rolls. I would love to tell you exactly what the crap that I ate was; the problem is that none of it was labeled. I suppose they were either too stupid to know that I don’t know what mystery meat, and green string is, or they really didn’t know themselves. I have a feeling that it was a combination of both.

As I sat down I looked at Dianne again. She could see the fear in my eyes. She asked me if I was ok. I looked at her, and then at my plate. She said, “I know”. The food had flavor – Flavor of what I am not sure, but it was not any Chinese food I had ever eaten. The brown balls were yellow inside and defiantly not made of meat. I dissected each of them to make sure they were all the same – They were. The closest I could guess is that they were either made of tofu, or some white meat substance. One thing is for sure – It was not beef. The green string I believe was cooked grass from the back yard. I had noticed that the grass was freshly cut, and this is obviously where it ends up. The mystery meat was exactly that – a mystery. It tasted like a cross between pot roast and liver. I really don’t think I even want to know what it was. After chocking down parts of the first plate, I decided to give it one more chance. I knew that they couldn’t screw up fried rice. Once again I was wrong. As I walked up the tray of fried rice, I noticed (what was left of it) it looked rather dry. As I scooped some up it made a distinct noise of dry rice. It seems that they had left the fried rice out so long that it had actually dehydrated. It was no longer cooked rice!!! I wondered to myself if they ever throw away the old food, or just leave it out to be eaten by new customers (suckers) the next day. I quickly moved on. I noticed that they had very nice looking lettuce. I took a piece. I was quite impressed with the large selection of corn dogs, and hard boiled eggs. As tempted as I was, I passed on both. I saw a sign for steamed wantons. I probably would have liked them if there were any. On I moved again, and again, and again. The fried chicken had been fried for 2 days too long and was dime size. The fish looked like it was taken from a fish tank. The Lo Mien looked…..oh wait, there was no Lo Mien…..

All in all, this place was a joke. My stomach still hurts thinking about it. The worst part was that I was charged for this crap. For the price of 2 lunch buffets, I learned some valuable lessons:

1. Always inspect a Chinese buffet BEFORE you sit down.
2. The number of cars in a parking lot have nothing to do with the quality of food.
3. A restaurant can look nice, and still serve the worst crap you have ever eaten.
4. If the trays are empty, don’t believe they will be refilled.
5. Over-frying chicken does not make it taste better.
6. Mystery meat is not fun to eat
7. Brown balls with a yellow middle are not good eats.
8. You can eat your yard clippings.
9. Fried goldfish, taste like, fried goldfish…..
10. If you ever see corndogs on a Chinese buffet – RUN.

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

2006-06-21T11:44:00.000-08:00

This is the TV stand that only took 2 hours (half a day...) to put together

Ok, so now that we have gotten the million dollar bed we needed to set up the “do-it- yourself” TV stand so that we would have a place to put the TV. Problem is that we have to put the stand together before we can put anything on it. Since I did not see me convincing Dianne to put it together, I started the project myself. It was a small box that contained only several thousand pieces. It was like an erecter set from hell. Sure….the picture makes it look small and unassuming, but I know better. I was there -With all 734,934 pieces. The box said it would only take 2 or so hours to put together. I suppose in China that means half a day. I laughed, I cried, I jumped up and down trying to make all the tiny parts fit together. For something that looks so simple, I was amazed how hard it was to make it all fit. Oh, by the way – Yes, you can make a round peg fit in a square hole. I know, because it did it – several times. All it takes is a big enough hammer, or in my case, the back of a screwdriver. When it was all done, I was relieved to know that I too could put together something that was made by an 8 year old in China.

High class couch purchased from Home Depot

We now have a TV, a TV stand, and cable, but what do we sit on. What else would someone that just spent a million dollars on a mattress of gold sit on…..? Yea, that’s right - Lawn furniture. Not just any lawn furniture mind you, but plastic lawn furniture from Home Depot. Real high class this stuff is. I used to have the exact same one in Florida. Of course, it was in the back yard, and used to pass out on it after mowing the yard, but that was a different time and place. This is Alaska!! A place where you can drive a new $50,000 Corvette, and still live in a run down trailer, or in an abandoned school bus. Or on a street corner as the case may be (his name is Bill – Long story…). So now I have all the comforts of home, except for a dining room table. Of course I did see an empty wooden wire spool the other day. It would make a fine addition to our decor. I sure hope I get it before someone else does.

Sitting back relaxing on my high class couch, I decided that I should watch some TV. It is extremely early in the mourning (11:30am) and I wonder aloud if anything will be on. To my amazement, there are shows on this early in the morning. I guess that I should have known better. For some reason when we subscribed to the cable, the young lady that helped us out advised us that there would be some “extra – free” channels. We get over 600 channels. No – that is not an exaggeration, we really do get that may channels. I have yet to figure out what one does with all those channels, but I do get hi-def channels also. Not sure what that is, but I get them…. So there I am, sitting back, relaxing, watching a show about……Alaska. Who would have guessed? It was on The Learning Channel, so I was hoping I would learn something – I did. I learned that when one watches a show about a state that they are in, nothing good will ever come of it. I guess the neighbors did not like the show either, because they started to pound on the wall and walk really heavy on the floor. Then they started to shake the wall. Wow, they really must have not liked that show. They then proceeded to shake the ENTIRE building. Ok, ok, I turned off the TV and they still were shaking the building. About that time is when I realized that we were having an earthquake. The floor was moving back and forth, and I was scared that my drink was going to tip off my couch. Just about that time, everything settled down and the shaking stopped. I knew that this had scared the pants off of Dianne, so I ran into the bedroom to check on her. I asked if she was ok - I got yelled at for waking her up. It seems that the million dollar bed is earthquake proof. If the world around you is shaking, just jump into it and fall asleep. I suppose this is the same bed that James Bond sleeps in. After being lectured about why I should not wake up a sleeping wife, I went back to the couch to finish watching my show. I turned it on and what were they talking about???? Of course, the 1964 earthquake in Alaska that was the second largest ever recorded. It was a 9.2 and killed many people. That is when I turned the TV off and decided that I was probably better off not watching it. Later that day I would find out that the earthquake was a 4.7 and centered about 60 miles north of us. They said there were aftershocks, but I was too busy sleeping in the million dollar bed….

Oh, give me a home, where the Moose roam…….

2006-06-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, so now we have a place to live, a TV and a nuclear weapon….ok, ok, Dianne would not let me get the last one, but I sure put up a good fight for it. In getting said place to live, we were required to jump through more hoops, show more id, and prove that we had more money than any homeless person should ever have to endure. Once we were able to secure our new residence, what is the first thing one must do to prove they live there??? That’s right – go shopping for a new bed. Now shopping for a bed is always good fun when you know the town you are living in, but when you are getting a bed in a town you have no idea about, it takes the fun to a whole new level. Anchorage has roughly, oh say, 200 mattress stores. Out of those, about half we were able to find. Of the half we were able to find about half had beds that were in our price range (less than $10,000 – they really do have beds out there that are that expensive….). Of those, only a handful were staffed by people that were qualified to be selling anything, much less a bed. I did however like the sales associate that explained that he was formerly homeless, but had turned his life around….. We did not buy our bed from that store. After visiting many stores and lying on more beds that I will ever want to lay on again, we decided to go back to the very first store we visited. After much arm wrestling and some good body blows, Dianne convinced me that we really did need a bed. So I gave in…. I let her pick the mattress she wanted. The problem was that the one she wanted was $239,884.99. I was beat, I had laid on more beds than Pamela Anderson and I really did not care anymore. I told her that she could get the bed if we could stay in Anchorage for another 847 years just to make sure we got good use out of the mattress. She agreed. So off we went to our happy and jubilant sales rep. His eyes lit up and he started drooling when we told him what we wanted. I tried to run, but Dianne tripped me. I just laid there like a slug. I waited for the rep to go tell his boss how he could now afford the new Corvette that he had been wanting, but when he came back, something was wrong – very wrong. He looked different, sad. Like someone had just stolen his first born and was putting it up for bidding on eBay. He walked over and told us that he had some good news and some bad news. We opted for the good news first. The good news was that he did not have the mattress in stock, but he could order it and get it in right away. I asked what the bad news was…. Well, he went on to explain that in Alaska when something is ordered “right away”, it could take up to 4 weeks to arrive. I was filled with glee and happiness, yet at the same time wanted to cry. We had fought for the entire day, and finally decided on the “perfect” mattress, and now it could take 4 weeks to arrive. I asked Dianne if she wanted to wait. The look that I received did not need words. It was much the same sensation that one gets when looking directly into a laser or at the sun for extended periods of time. I knew that we must find a mattress today, or die trying. So off we went to every mattress store that had the brand that we wanted. There were none to be found. Dianne and I were dejected. There was no way that we were going to sleep on the floor or in sleeping bags for an entire month. So what did we do? Well, I had a little ace up my sleeve. We went back to the original mattress store and I had Dianne lie down on a bed that was just like the one that we wanted, but required proof of income to lie down on. It was ridiculously expensive, but is had several things going for it. First, it was just like the bed we wanted, but Dianne liked it more. Second, it was in stock. Third, it was in stock. Since it was in stock and would be delivered be small elves wearing gold and green dresses throwing pixie dust, I decided to buy it. The Sales rep was happy, Dianne was happy, and I was happy. I would now never have to buy a mattress again. Not because I did not want to, but because I could not afford to. I asked Dianne to have the mattress buried with me, but I don’t think she heard me.

In the spirit of spending all my money in one day, I decided it would be a great idea to get a new TV, a TV stand, and a computer desk. Dianne thought that I had been smoking something that they sell on corners here and drinking heavily. Actually I knew that only the TV would be expensive. The other two items could be had for less than $100!!! I had been doing some undercover shopping while she was not looking, and found some really good deals. So off we went to get the whole lot. It took less than half a day to acquire all the necessary item to make a livable house. I figured that getting a TV would be a great distraction for me and perhaps help me forget about the million dollar bed….. The TV stand was a great place to put the TV, and the computer desk was a great place to….well….er….do computer like things. Plus, it looked really nice on the box….. Yea, that is how I saved lots of money on the stand and desk. You see, they are real wood, or at least real wood pieces, and look really nice once put together. The problem is that, “some assemble required”. I now know how they get there kicks in China. What they do is make really nice, cheap furniture, and send it over here. The joke is that in the instructions they say that the “estimated” assembly time is only 2.5 hours. Yea, right. I worked on the desk for over 5 hours and was only half done. They should have said, “The reason this is so cheap is due to the fact that you will have to spend more time putting it together than you will working on it…” That’s ok, I was done at only 2:30am and the sun was just setting, but that’s a whole other story.

We’ll be coming through the mountain....

2006-05-28T19:33:00.000-08:00

Ok, so now we have a P.O. Box, an apartment, and a working car. Does this mean we can start finding a life???? Yea, but I still don't want to have to have to do wash.
Sometimes our conversations will fall a little on the strange side. Other times they are just downright weird. Perhaps that stems from being raised by the circus and living in a barn. Or it could have something to do with the water. Lately I am very suspicious about the water. I think it may have given me an ulcer, but that is a whole other story.....

Today we decided that we needed to throw snow balls at each other and learn how to fish with dip nets. My real motivation was to wash my hands in a glacier fed waterfall. I have heard it is good for your skin. So off we went. We headed south, not sure of exactly where we were headed, or when we would arrive. All we knew is that there were supposed to be glaciers to the south and we were hot on there trail. The views were amazing. We drive along the Cook inlet for about an hour passing snow capped mountains and open prairies. Eventually we came up to hundreds of cars parked along the side of the 2 lane road. At first I thought that they were giving away fee a/c units, but later realized that they were actually fishing...Well, sort of. What they were actually doing was standing shoulder to shoulder with dip nets, trying to scoop fish out of the water. I had never seen ANYTHING like this before. Fishing with a dip net. Not just any dip net, but 10 foot long dip nets. This is something I just have to try. I have fished with poles, lines, reels, nets, but never a dip net on a 10 foot pole. I have this nagging feeling that I may be in need of some new fishing gear.....

Next, on to Portage glacier. As we discovered, to get the best view you have to take a ferry. Unfortunately the ferry only has 2 schedules. One is for a 5 hour trip, the other is for 10. We did not have that much time to spend, but decided that we would have to come back another time and take a ride. The pictures of the glacier cruise are amazing. Since we were surrounded by mountains and there was still snow on the ground, we decided it would be a good idea to have a snow ball fight. Off we went, hiding behind the shrubs, ducking for cover, and hitting each other with hard packed snow. What fun.

On we pressed, past the hundreds of dip netters, beyond the gorgeous mountains, past the ice filled shores, onto the world’s longest tunnel - Over 2 miles long. I actually had heard about this before. This tunnel is only open once every 30 minutes. It is a one lane road that goes right through a mountain. Not only is it used by cars, but also by trains. Yes, you drive on train tracks to get through the tunnel. Luckily it has been designed so that both cars and trains can travel through with few problems. As I guessed, we arrived at exactly the wrong time. We had to wait 30 minutes to get through. I was really starting to feel like this may not be worth it. I would later be proven wrong - very wrong. So we are finally let through the tunnel. Before being let through, we are instructed to keep our headlights on at all times, drive no faster than 25, and leave at least 100 feet between you and the car in front of you. Ok, not a problem. As we enter the tunnel, it seems just like what I would have expected - Dark, tunnel like, and wet.... Then it all changed. There were no longer smooth tunnel like walls. They were replaced by rough stone walls. The wet walls soon gave way to waterfalls flowing down the sides. The roof dripped from water seeping down through the rock. Driving on the railroad tracks caused the car to veer from side to side. Needless to say it was not only an amazing drive, but slightly nerve racking.

Once on the other side we were greeted with more amazing scenery. We had arrived at Whittier. The Princess cruise ship was in port and the town was filled with tourists. We decided to turn around and start home since it was getting late and we needed to secure our hotel. As we were waiting to get through the tunnel, we were greeted by not cars coming through the other side, but a train. We sat and watched a train coming through what we would have to pass through in several minutes. On we went, through the tunnel, past the ice, next to the mountains, on to home....

Linkage, hoses, hotels, and so much more….

2006-05-26T11:54:00.001-08:00

Do ya, think you could give me a ride home?
That was the question that the driver for the repair company asked me. They had repaired a leaky radiator hose for slightly less than all the money in my wallet, and I was feeling slightly guilty for getting such a great deal – So I said “yes”. I should have known that nothing good ever happens when you decide to give a total stranger a ride home. Starting the car I should have known that something was wrong. It took about 5 minutes to find N just to start the car. It refused to start in park. I figured that it was just the linkage acting up – I should have known better. So we head off to a gas station where Skippy goes to get cash. I decided it would be a good idea to get out and grab a few packs of cigs for Dianne. I grab the cigs, we both hop back in the car and I start the car – yea, at least that was what was supposed to happen. In real life the linkage decides that this is the perfect place to call it quits. My hitchhiker decides to head for greener pastures and hit the high road. I tried for over half an hour to get the car started. It just was not going to happen. So I decide that calling AAA is a really good idea. Back into the store I go, ask for the phone and call the cavalry. They gleefully tell me that a tow truck will be there in just one hour – not a problem. I am now in a city that I have no clue about, stuck in a gas station in an area that seems slightly less than desirable. Amazingly the tow truck driver only took 2 hours to arrive. In that time I had plenty of time to think about what I should have done differently. Needless to say, I did learn some valuable lessons.

The tow truck driver was amazing. He had lived in Alaska for 10 years and was a wealth of information. He came from the Orlando area, but decided that he wanted to get away from the hustle and bustle. From what he told me, the area that I was stuck in was actually not that bad at all. I was still not happy about the car. We dropped off the car at B&B transmission, and he even gave me a ride back to the hotel. On the way back, he advised me where to fish, and told me stories about the moose that wander around town.

The problem with the transmission was that the linkage was broken, or at least that was what they told me. The work took until early in the afternoon, but was not expensive at all. The new linkage worked great, and I was able to drive away happy. We had now lost 2 days in Anchorage, but were ready to make up for it. The sun sets at around 12:00 and we had some catching up to do. For the next 2 days we were out exploring the city and trying to find a new home.

As it turns out, finding a new home is not as easy as it sounds. I kept telling Dianne that sleeping in the car was a good idea, but she kept yelling and screaming about rooms and showers, and kitchens. You know, all that useless stuff…. So we kept looking for apartments. Alaska has some interesting features. One is the fact that we are almost totally surrounded by mountains, another is that the sun almost never sets in the summer, and the most interesting is that this state does not have any air conditioning – none. That includes ALL apartments. Now some of you may be saying, “Quit whinning – that place is cold”. Yea, lets just see what happens when you have the sun beating down on you for, oh, say 20 hours a day. Things tend to really heat up. And the a/c units are no where to be seen. I found that even most houses are without a/c, or central heat. Yea, I can hear you all now….. “This is Alaska, the last frontier, what did you expect”? Yea, yea, yea, I hear you. I knew that things would be a little different, but no a/c? What kind a place is this!!?? I may have to go a month or two without a/c. Perhaps I should head to a place that knows a/c – like VEGAS BABY!!!! I don’t think so…..

Life and times in Anchorage

2006-05-23T16:33:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday we pulled into Anchorage – Barley. As it turns out, the van was waiting to give us some surprises on one of the last legs of our journey. Going through the mountains to get to Anchorage, the linkage to the transmission decided it was time to relax and get nice and loose. It is now not possible to manually get into 1st or 2nd gear. Finding N or R is also quite a challenge. Everything feels like mush and there are no distinct gear feel notches when manually changing gears. This makes for a real fun time when one parks, and then has to find R to get out of a parking space.

Now we are in Anchorage and the van decides that the transmission linkage just isn’t enough. So what might it do to keep us awake now? Well, it decides that it should spring a leak and start to overheat. Yea, that’s the ticket it said… So now, here we are in a town that we have no idea about, with a trailer, loose transmission linkage, and now it is overheating. Did I mention that we did not pre-book a hotel?

Oh yes, a hotel in anchorage was not needed because we were not supposed to be in Anchorage. You see, we were going to stay in Denali state park and have a night or two there to relax and take in the scenery. As it turns out, summertime in Denali is like prime time at Walt Disney world. In fact, it actually looks similar to Disney. There are enormous hotels lined up and down the road. Some are perched on the side of mountains so high up it would take a rocket to get to them. The do all have one thing in common though (aside from parting you from your money). They all do not take pets. Yes, and of course we have Nick our lovely Schnauzer. After driving 4 hours and finding that nobody takes pets, we thought about leaving him in the car, but even we couldn’t be that cruel. So we press on to find a hotel that is vacant and that takes pets. Every single hotel within 100 miles did either not take pets, or was totally full. We had to drive another 250 miles to get to Anchorage.

We arrived at 9:00pm. It was still light out, but we had no reservations and I had no idea where to stay, or where to go. As it seems, the hotels in anchorage are much like the ones in Denali. They are either totally full, or do not take pets. So after much screaming, yelling, and many threats (to each other….) we pulled into a super 8 that takes pets, has rooms available, and would take our money. We had a place to stay.

We are now waiting on the van to get repaired. It is currently 3:30pm and they have not looked at it yet. That is ok says the manager – they work till 6!!! Oh boy, I sure hope this little leak is simple to fix, and cheap. I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow at 8am to have the transmission looked at and hopefully repaired. The young lady that I spoke with said that it did indeed sound like loose linkage and that if that was the case, it would not only be fairly cheap, but very easy to repair. Hopefully she is correct. Luckily the transmission is under warrantee and I will be reimbursed for any charges, but it is still inconvenient to have to deal with.

The other order of the day was finding a furnished apartment. It seems that they are kind of hard to find in the summer time and really not that cheap either. Luckily I did manage to locate one that was not charging an arm and a leg. It also included all utilities, has pots and pans, and comes with all the Rolaids you can handle. I figure we can do a 1-2 month lease, and in that time decided where we want to rent an apartment. That should give us plenty of time to look around and get to know the town. This is a much larger place than Fairbanks, and will take much more time to get familiar with.

Dianne and I are both leaning towards the Mat-Su valley area. It is much less crowded than the city and seems to have all the amenities. Hopefully I will be able to find work there and get a good paying, stable job. Like the guy that drove me home today said, “There are jobs out there, but you have to have skills”. Yea, right….

Fun in Fairbanks

2006-05-23T16:22:00.000-08:00

Pulling into Fairbanks was a welcome relief. We were supposed to stop at Tok and spend the night, but after getting into Tok, we decided to press on. It seems Tok really is as small as I had thought. I had one hotel that looked ok to use to spend the night, and about 2 gas stations. Other than that, it did not have much. We pressed on and drove another 2 ½ hours to get to Fairbanks. The drive was not too bad, and we were happy to get into a larger town.

We stayed at the Regency Fairbanks. This was a very nice place. It had a refrigerator, stove and microwave right in our room. This made eating quite simple compared to what we had been doing. The staff was friendly and always ready to help at a moments notice.

Our first real meal was breakfast the next day. I woke early (very strange for me) and decided we needed to go to breakfast. I forget the name of the location that we ate, but it was very nice and seemed to have quite a few locals. We sat down and were immediately greeted by our waitress. She was very pleasant and helpful with our selection. The only thing that unnerved me was when we sat down there was something the size of a large wasp that landed on her hand. She looked at it, let it land and then…..Wack!!!! At first I thought she had killed a small bird. I was a bit horrified, but then realized it was a mosquito. I figured it was the largest mosquito that I had ever seen….I would later recall that mosquito as being “average” size…. Seems they have some really large mosquitoes up here. The locals seem to be used to them and are not as bothered by the large size and bird like structure. I must admit, after 4 days, I did start to have fun with them. When I would have one land on me, I would grab it by one of its legs, and act like it was carrying me away. Dianne did not find this nearly as humorous as I did. She really didn’t like it when I would grab one and attempt to give it to her as a gift. Seems we do not have the same sense of humor….

Fairbanks is a small town, but has a thriving arts community. They seem to have every hobby, or interest that one might want to get involved with. They even host the national Ice carving championships here. It is a pretty big event, and the contestants fly in from all over the world to compete in this elaborate show of ice carving skill. The carvings are amazing and the work is flawless. We were able to see some examples of there work, and actually able to see an ice carver in action. It was quite impressive.

Mosquitoes aside, the town is extremely friendly and very open to strangers. Everyone we met was willing to help in some way, and they all wanted us to say in Fairbanks. It is a very nice place with some incredible people.

Proud to be an American

2006-05-18T19:20:00.000-08:00

From beaver creek to Fairbanks had much to offer in the form of wildlife. We were able to see a Grizzly bear, a moose, and one really cute field mouse crossing the road. It seems that quite a few animals like crossing the road....

The hotel we stayed at in Beaver Creek was a cross between a cottage from the Psycho movie and a bad dream. It was a straight throw back from the 60's, but that was not the worst part. The place looked like it was built by hand by the guy who was renting the place. I think he built it 40 years ago. The door did not have any locks what so ever. We used a chair to barricade the door. It probably did not help, but at least it was something. I really don't think they have a problem with crime in that area anyway....

Getting back to America was wonderful. We had been in Canada for 12 day, but it might as well have been 120. Canada has some incredible scenery, wonderful wildlife, and friendly people, but it is not home. Getting back to America was a very welcomed event.

Fairbanks is a great city. It is small enough to get through the entire city in 15 minutes, but big enough to have everything one would want. The people are very friendly, and everyone is always willing to help with any questions. It is very strange getting used to the wonderful attitudes, and personalities of the people in this great city. When we first arrived, it was rather cold. We went to the store and found that many people will leave there car unlocked and running while going into the store. This attitude of trust is something that is a breath of fresh air. In just a few days we will be off to Anchorage - Alaskas largest city. It is just about the same size as the city that we are from. It will be interesting to see what the similarities are and what the differences are.

Elks, and Bison, and Beavers, Oh My!!!!

2006-05-15T06:17:00.000-08:00

Today was like driving through a wild life safari. We started out by clocking Elk. We found that they can easily do at least 35 mph on the highway. We clocked (chased) them for at least a half a mile until they decided it was time to go across the road, through a stream, and on the the far bank. Elk may be fast, but they are not very smart.

We then went through part of the Canadian Rockies. It had just snowed the night before, and everything was covered in a fresh blanket of snow. It was gorgeous. We did not see any animals on this leg of the trip, but the scenery was truly amazing.

Exiting the mountains, we were warned of bison crossing the road. Several miles down, we saw one stopped by the road, just grazing on tasty grass. We stopped about 10 feet from it and had a discussion about where the best grass was located, and how loosing ones winter coat is always a messy proposition. We were so close that we could actually hear the bison ripping the grass from the ground. I was a little nervous being so close to an animal that weighs 1,500-2,000 lbs., but it was amazing none the less.

Coming into town we were greeted with a small black animal that was hopping (squirming) to cross the road. Neither Dianne nor I knew what it was. I was able to stop about 5 feet in front of the animal. We then discovered that it was a beaver trying to cross the road (so many jokes there….). We were unable to get a picture of the beaver crossing the road, but it was very interesting to say the least. We now know that beavers do cross the road.

Two of a kind

2006-05-12T20:59:00.000-08:00

Rain was the order of the day today. Not much more than an annoying constant drizzle and about 43 degrees. Just the type of weather that makes you want to drive oh, say about 260 miles. If only I knew what lay ahead, I might have just stayed in bed another day. Then again, probably not….

Today we experienced 2 things that we have never seen before. The first was seeing a large black bear up close eating beside the road. The other was almost hitting an extremely large moose. I am still trying to forget the latter. I think the moose is also.

While traveling down the Canadian Rockies, we spotted a large semi tire that was discarded by the road. As we drove closer I slowed down and discovered that the tire had transformed into a small black bear. We drove closer. It was now no longer a small black bear, but a rather large black bear. It had a brown muzzle and bright shiny eyes. Its whiskers and nose twitched in the rainy wet air. It was a perfect example of a healthy black bear (I know that because I am a bear expert…). At least that is what I remember as we accelerated to get away. It seems that large black bears have less fear of humans then we do of them. Either that or I just ran across one very friendly bear. Either way I decided that it would be a really good idea to get, oh, say, about 200 yards between me and the cute “little” bear that tried to hitch a ride. Dianne wanted to go back and feed it breath mints. I pondered the idea for a while and then decided that I needed her to continue to balance my check book for a few more years. I denied her the opportunity to pet the wild bear, but I am sure she will forgive me. Someday.

About 45 minutes later we were driving into the outskirts of Ft. Nelson. Dianne and I were both looking out for bears on the side of the road eating grass. We had just about come to the conclusion that we were all “beared out”. I was coming down a hill at about 65 mph. Train tracks were quickly approaching. I was thinking about how fast we were going to go over the tracks. Dianne screamed. I mean REALLY screamed. I looked in front of me. All I saw was an EXTREMELY large moose. It was black and grey. Just the color of the road. The perfect disguise….. Just to give you an idea of how large this animal was, my eye level is about at 5 feet while sitting in the van. When we passed within several feet of the moose, I was looking at its stomach. This was a very large full grown moose. I could only imagine what it was thinking….

Me: Oh my God – That is a moose!!

Moose: Oh my God – They are going to run me over

Me: Wetting pants…..

Moose: Wetting pavement

I guess we kind of shared a moment. I am pretty sure that me and the moose are both very thankful that we didn’t meet on a whole other level. Later that day we went searching for the moose. I really didn’t think we would find him, but we had to try. We searched for about a half hour, but no signs of the moose were to be seen. I felt a little safer that Dianne was driving this time….

Except for the mountains, the animals, the traffic, and the clean air, this place is just like Florida…..

2006-05-11T18:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, today was simply amazing. We spent a second day in Dawson Creek to get some well earned R&R. Today we decided to do some exploring. We decided to travel on the original Alcan highway about 20 miles out of town. On the way we saw our first moose grazing right next to the road. It was “small” by moose standards, but cute none the less. Dianne tried to take it home, but Nick refused to move over.

We drove to the last wooden bridge built for the Alcan and drove in the back woods. The wooden bridge was huge. Driving in the back woods on the original road was amazing. There were no cars, no noise, just the sound of wind passing through trees, and birds singing.

Driving back we were greeted by an entire family of deer that was grazing by the side of the dirt road. We turned around and went back hoping that they would still be there. As we drove back, the deer had not only not run away, but had gotten closer to the road. I started to wonder if they were somebodys pets, but they were not penned up and looked very wild. One of the deer thought that our car was made of pure grass. It kept looking at us and getting closer, and closer. I think I saw it look at our car and drool once. At about 10 feet we decided that it was time to keep moving and make sure that our car was not nibbled on by a deer.

Something else I discovered today. People really do have and use out houses. I was amazed that in some places there really is no plumbing. I suppose I am somewhat sheltered to have that notion, but it was a revelation for me. We passed house after house with an out house. I suppose you could say we were truly in the wilderness.

Animals seen today:

Moose – 1 Live!!!
Deer – 9 Live!!!

Maple leaf road maps....

2006-05-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

So, have you ever wondered what happens when you get lost in a country that has very few roads, bad road signs, and no traffic lights. Well, this picture pretty much describes what happens. We took a "Shortcut" through the back roads of Canada yesterday to get to Edmonton. It was only about 15 miles long, but felt much longer. The good/bad news is that we did get to Edmonton. It was an extremely busy town (Dianne thought she was in NY). I thought I had died and been sent to hell. The town is a cross between New York City and San Francisco. It has the traffic of NY, and the hills of San Francisco. One really interesting thing is that the streets are barely wide enough for a bike, much less a car. We decided not to stay there and kept driving to Whitecourt. We were pleasantly surprised to find that the hell of Edmonton had quickly dissolved into the relaxed life of a much smaller town. Whitecourt is very nice and has many dirt roads that we explored. Everyone in town knew that we are the new people due to our van not having an inch of dirt on it (literally). This town is run around oil and gas exploration. There is a large amount of trucking activity going on, but other than that, it is a very nice small town. Today we will be driving to Dawson Creek, and hopefully we will have many more adventures and pictures to post. Ya think, eh?

Just me and Mr. Frost

2006-05-07T14:47:00.000-08:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken -

We arrived in Yorkton, SK today. While traveling that poem is all I could keep thinking about. I have definitely taken the road less traveled.....Much less traveled. There are no pictures with this post. No picture could adequately describe the isolation that we were in today (and will probably be in days ahead). Just to give you an idea of how far away from anything we were, I let Dianne drive today while I ate lunch. Of course I was still in the drivers seat and she was still a passenger, but doing a fine job of steering the car while I ate. We drifted to the left, we drifted to the right. We drove in oncoming traffic for 15 minutes. Not a problem. We saw about one car every hour or so. The scenery was non-existent. Imagine driving 6 hours while watching grass grow. That was about the excitement level of today’s trip. Even North Dakota ranked higher on the excitement scale. I realize that it is not the destination, but the journey that is important, but I would really like some scenery. I suppose that will come in time. Give it oh.....a thousand more miles or so....

A moment of reflection

2006-05-06T15:48:00.000-08:00

From time to time one realizes how well they have it. Sometimes all it takes is a split second. Other times it takes loosing everything. I usually fall into the latter category. Driving through North Dakota and staying in Grand Forks brought that to my attention yesterday. There is basically nothing in this area unless you are a farmer, farm worker, or farm animal. Basically you have 2 choices - To work on a farm, or just not work. Farming is hard work. For anyone that knows me, they know that I do not like farming (hard work). I would prefer to sit behind a desk, pounding keys, looking at the screen and wondering why I can't do any better. It probably sounds like a lot of people. We are caught up in our own little lives, wishing we had it better, never realizing how hard it could really be. Perhaps if I was born somewhere else, I would have to work on a farm. Tilling the soil, sowing the seeds, reaping the harvest. Perhaps I would be happier, perhaps not. I am sure I would be a bit smaller.....

A day at the Falls

2006-05-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

We stayed in Sioux Falls for a second day today. It was nice to relax and take a much needed break from driving the 8,000,000 or so miles from Kansas city to here. Ok, so it may not have been that many miles, but it sure felt like it. The highway to this place ranks as one of the most boring in the known universe. People have been known to fall asleep and wake up 90 miles later still on the same road. I spoke with several truckers that confirmed that story and one that said that this was his preferred method of driving. I tried to stay awake, and found that the falling asleep method was probably much easier and made the trip much faster.
Once in Sioux Falls, we quickly bedded down in our new home and found it quite nice. The rooms were quite well appointed and they had ceilings that were about 15 feet tall. The staff was friendly and did not laugh at us for wearing shorts and a t-shirt in 40 degree weather. We were quite comfortable. The people in the city were quite nice. They all wave and smile, something that we are not used to. At first we thought that perhaps they spike the water around here, but after further investigation, we decided that it is that they are just really friendly sorts.On the second day we decided to go visit the falls from which the town gets its name. When we arrived, we were quite impressed with the scene. The falls fall over pink quartzite. This is the second hardest mineral know next to a diamond. After telling Dianne this, she quickly started collecting loose rocks and talking about how I was, soooooooo gone..... She then tripped over one and concurred that they were very hard rocks. After explaining that the rocks were not worth anything unless they were called diamonds and she could make someone believe it, she threw the rocks back and stomped off in a huff muttering something about stupid pink rocks.

Gates BBQ and other great things about Kansas city

2006-05-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

Ok, Kansas City has 2 things. The Kansas City Royals and BBQ. That is about it if you don't include traffic. I prefer the BBQ. I believe it is a BBQ that has a vinegar base sauce. I really didn't think much about that type of BBQ until today. It was sweet, tender and very tasty. I was quite impressed with the ribs. We went to Gates BBQ, and from what I understand, it is a local legend. After tasting the ribs, I can see why.When you first enter the restaurant, they greet you with, "Hello, how may I help you"? It is a long story, but we entered and exited the restaurant about 4 times. Each time we were greeted with, "Hello, how may I help you". At first it kind of freaked me out wondering if they were talking to me or not. Usually I am greeted by, "Hello - oh, it's just you, Get the hell out". This new spirit of friendship was new to me and I am still getting used to it. Needless to say, we received our ribs, took them back to the room and proceeded to get sauce over everything. The maid will love us....

Fun with Wildlife

2006-05-02T14:07:00.000-08:00

Today we stayed in beautiful Marion, IL another day. We needed to get the oil changed in the car and I really was not in the mood to drive today. We went on a wild journey through the back woods of Marion County. Actually it is turkey season here, so in fact I guess you could say we were hunting turkeys. We did see a wild turkey in its natural habitat (the woods…). We chased it in the car and caused it to get scared and run off. Unfortunely we were not able to capture it and sell it at the local flea market or stuff it for dinner. We were both very excited to have scared away our first glimpses of true wildlife. Later that day we visited a Christmas tree farm. Yes, there are farms for Christmas trees. It was actually quite disappointing. The farm was closed until November. The Christmas trees looked rather small, and needed to be trimmed. I never realized until today that you needed to groom a Christmas tree before you sold it. While heading back to the main road we spotted a group of turkeys (so many jokes there…). They were wild (meaning they were not penned up) and looked like they were really enjoying life. The only problem was that they were in somebodys garden. I am not sure if they belonged there, or if they had just decided to take up home for lunch. At least I think they are turkeys. If anyone knows what they are, please let me know. They looked tasty, but I did not want to steal another mans turkeys or pets as the case might be.

Wild animal count so far:
Opossum – 1 dead
Deer – 6 dead
Coyote – 1 dead
Turkey – 5 all alive!!

Life on the edge (of a mountain...)

2006-05-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

“The Mayor is an asshole, and nobody likes him”. That was the answer I got when I asked the bartender why she was doing inventory on the liquor cabinet. Well…..Ok. I did not bother to ask why, but that did not stop her…. It appears that there is some corruption in this county and the restaurants owners are not too happy about it. That is all I really heard before I tuned out and tried not to listen to anything else she had to say. Oh, by the way – we were in a restaurant getting take out for the evening. All I wanted was a club sandwich, but I got an earful of political mumbo-jumbo from a bitter waitress that really did not like the fact that the mayor was cutting into her tip money. This was not a woman that I ever wanted to cross. She really had some serious opinions about her county, and had no problems telling total strangers.
Other than that, the only thing that really got to me today was going up dead mans hill. It was in Tennessee. To give you some idea of what it was like, imagine going up a roller coaster incline. It made that look calm. I started out by passing 3 semies. I was going at least 55mph at that time. The grade was only about 45 degrees at this point. I knew there was a problem after we reached the summit and I was doing 30mph. The car was floored and sounded as though it was straining for dear life. I relaxed and began to get up to speed again. That was the point that I saw the sign…. It read, “ trucks check your brakes”. What the hell did that mean? I went a little further and saw another sign. It read, “Cars, don’t worry about checking your brakes – check your parachute and life insurance policy…..” Ok, at that point I got a little scared - ok, really scared. I put on my brakes. Nothing. I felt a little shudder and saw little pieces of metal that used to be my brakes brake pads fly out from the sides of the van. We were now on the downside of dead mans hill, and I finally realized why the trucks were going so fast. They really had no choice. Brakes did not work. Downshifting did not work. Screaming for dear life did not work. I started to prey. I think it worked until Dianne made me open my eyes. We finally made it down dead mans hill, or drop, or death wish. I forget what the actual name of the mountain was, but I will never forget the impression it made on me or my weak heart. I had survived the ordeal, and that will be something that I will talk about for a long time, a very long time – at least until tomorrow….

Georgia on my Mind

2006-04-27T13:29:00.000-08:00

Well, we arrived in Miami just 1 hour ago...... Yea, right. We are in Valdosta at the LaQuinta inn. The room is nice and they offer free liquor from 5-9pm!!! The weather is really nice. It is much less humid than St. Pete and I am looking forward to even less the further we go. It took about 4 hours to get here and we drove about 280 miles today. We left at 11am and was able to make it on only one tank of gas. We are getting about 14 miles to the tank right now. Hopefully it will continue. The scenery is very nice and the people are very friendly here. Dianne only had to stop at one rest area and I actually made the suggestion to stop. The van pulls the trailer pretty well. I am still getting used to driving with a trailer, but I am sure that I will be an expert by the time we get to Alaska.
I learned that either the speedometer is really off, or truckers, suvs, vans, cars, bikers, and old ladies in wheelchairs drive REALLY fast. I must have been doing 65 and was getting passed like I was standing still. I am starting to get a complex. The trailer doesn't have any weird tendencys like swaying at high speed or leaving the hitch. All the wireing works and I even have brake lights....... Dianne asked me where we are going to be tommorow, and I honestly have no idea. Is't kinda nice to not know where you are going to be. I will have to pull up the travel log that I created and figure out where (and in what state) we will be sleeping in. I do know that it is another La Quinta. At least I know we will be getting a decent breakfast for free again. Hopefully we will be on the road again tommorow by 10am. That way we will be at the next stop by 2-3pm (more like 3pm). Well, it's time for happy hour, so I will be going for now!!

Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they are not after you…

2006-04-21T19:52:00.000-08:00

Sorry about this post. I wrote it several days ago, but have been too busy(lazy) to submit it. Hopefully it will be just as entertaining.

Well, in just 8 days we will be off to Alaska. I am being told lately that I am becoming more and more paranoid the closer it gets to the final day. Perhaps this is due to stress or anxiety – Who knows. I think I am starting to look for the little problems now that I really did not care about before. Things like making sure the car will run and we have enough food and water for the trip. You know the little things…. I have had a suspicion that the car was having some transmission problems. I figured that now would be a good time to get it checked out before we take everything we own and head off on a 6,000 mile trip. As it turns out, the transmission did have some issues. Like some really serious issues. It needed to be rebuilt. I suppose any other time I would pitch a fit and run around the house screaming, but not today. I figure it was better to have it fixed now than in northern Canada. What would have been worse is if it had broken down about half way up one of those really nice Canadian mountains. I could only imagine what kind of excitement that would cause me and wifey.
My current priorities are to get food, lotto (if I win I wouldn’t have to worry about the cost of the transmission…), beer, not necessarily in that order. We will be partaking in some delicious Chinese food tonight. The wife is totally unsure of what she wants to eat. I told her that it really didn’t matter, that she was going to be eating a cat in one form or another. She did not find it quite as humorous as I did. I on the other hand will be getting the same thing I always get – The house special lo mien with steamed dumplings. I think I am going to throw in some egg rolls just for fun. I figure that much food will last me at least a couple days. Since we now have no food left in the house this is a bonus. Not having to worry about where I am going to buy my next meal and all.