Starvation, Styrofoam, and Chocolate Sex

Well, my wife left me yesterday. Not for another man, but something worse…much worse. She left me for Florida. Yea, she will say that she was only going to visit he mother and family, but I am not convinced. If all she is going for is to see her family, than why is she so happy. When I spoke with her last, she was talking of going to places like Disney, Busch gardens, and the beach. These are all places where you pay to stand in line to hand total strangers your money and have them make fun of you about how much you overpaid. Well, expect for the beach. There you just pay a lifeless parking meter for the privilege to park (.25 for 10 minutes) in a parking spot. You then get to walk around and stare at naked people.…..Hey, now that doesn’t sound too bad…. And it is a lot cheaper than one of those nudie bars where it costs $5 for a bottle of water. Perhaps she has something there.

In any case, I am alone and depressed. I have nobody to walk the dog, take out the trash, or make me lunch. I may die of starvation in a dirty apartment. Well, if that happens, the dog may eat my lifeless body and start drinking out of the toilet again. I don’t think he will mind not being taken out for walks in the melting snow. He may however be upset that there is nobody around to change the channels on the TV for him, or discuss the finer points of quantum physics. Other than that, I think he may be able to last the 2 weeks (more like a lifetime) that Dianne will be gone.

Just as I thought I was not going to make it much longer, the doorbell rang. At first I was hoping it was a hooker, but then realized that food would be a much more needed gift. I threw on a robe and answered the door (last time I answered the door naked, the delivery man ran away). It was a big light package. It was too small to be a mail order hooker. Well, maybe if it was a midget mail order hooker from Ethiopia, but since it was from Kentucky, I knew I was out of luck. The package was addressed to Dianne and came from a place called Candy Blast™. Since Dianne was not going to be around for another 2 weeks, and I was starving, I figured that it would be a good idea to open the package and eat whatever was inside. I was hoping for chocolate strippers, but soon found that someone had shipped me a box of Styrofoam peanuts. Now I like a good practical joke as much as anyone, but sending a starving person a box of barely edible Styrofoam is just not that funny. Digging deeper into the Styrofoam, I discovered something amazing. It was food, or at least something wrapped in a plastic bag. I pulled greedily at the handle and yanked out an Easter basket along with about 854,789,045,789,453 Styrofoam peanuts. The Easter basket was filled with candy of every description. It was wonderful. I quickly removed the plastic bag to get a better look at the candy. It was everywhere. It was in the green plastic grass, it was on the sides, it was on the handle, it was wonderful. I figured with all this candy, I would be able to survive for at least another 3-4 hours.

As I was figuring what I would eat first, the dog came over and started staring at me. He was giving me those eyes that said, “please feed me, I am starving too”. I looked at him and said, “yea right, if you are lucky I will let you smell my fingers after I am done eating your mothers gift”. He looked at me and started eating the Styrofoam peanuts that were covering the floor. I was happy that I would not have to pick them up.

So now I am thinking about calling Dianne in Florida and letting her know how good her gift was. I sure hope she appreciates me going out of my way to make sure her candy was eaten quickly, and thoroughly. I am not sure who sent it, but whoever you are, “Thank you - You saved my life”.