Everybody was Kung Fu fighting......

WARNING: This is going to be a rant of epic proportions. I am going to use crass and harsh words that may offend some readers. I will describe things in such detail that some may wish to stop reading and vomit. If you have just eaten, or are going to eat, or have ever eaten before, you may wish to skip this post. Yes, it is about food. You have been warned. Read on – if you dare……


A good meal can be like a beautiful sunset. This was not one of them. This was more like a mangled, bloody train wreck where nobody survives. Today we decided to go out and find a good Chinese restaurant. We drove around town for a while looking for any restaurants that had a buffet. Chinese is always better when you can stuff yourself with as much of it as you can handle. I suppose we feel like we are getting our monies worth or some such thing. In any case, I have found that there are two kinds of Chinese buffets – The really good ones, and the really bad ones. I haven’t found too may that fall in the middle. Usually they are really good, or just plain crappy. In this case, it was amazing, and not in the good sense. I have got to say that this was by far the worst Chinese food I have ever eaten.

We first pulled into a restaurant that did not have a buffet, but I got a to-go menu and we read it over in the car. It had been voted #1 by small elves that deliver mattresses for several years in a row. I knew that it was a decent place to eat, because I saw David Carradine from Kung Fu Theater eating there. Against my better judgment we moved on looking for the elusive buffet.

Turning the corner, we spotted a busy looking Chinese buffet that had obviously either been a Wendy’s, or Rax in a former life. We decided that a busy parking lot was a sign of good food. We pulled in and parked. Walking in the restaurant we were impressed with the many buffet stations, and shiny brass fixtures. This place had class. We were promptly seated and given hot tea with ice water. The server advised us that we could help ourselves anytime we were ready. Dianne went first while I guarded the purse.

The restaurant seemed strangely empty for having had so many cars outside. I still have no idea where they all came from. Perhaps they were staff that just parked out in the front to make it seem busy, or it could have been the cars of the dead patrons that had already eaten there. The cars were a warning: this many people have died here today…. In any case the car will always be a mystery, for I will never go back there to find out where they came from.

As Dianne returned and sat down I looked at her plate to see what she had gotten – It looked good. She had various dishes that resembled food of sorts. As I began to exit, I glanced at her. She had a worried/scared look on her face. I thought that perhaps she had seen the kitchen and not been too impressed. Seconds later I would learn why she had the worried look on her face.

I grabbed a plate and eagerly headed to the first station. I was greeted with trays that were either 90% empty, or just plain disgusting looking. I figured that they were just changing the trays and fresh food would be out shortly. I was sadly mistaken. The restaurant stated that they had a 60 item buffet. That would probably be true if all the trays were filled. The problem was that most of them were empty. As I browsed the crap I scooped up SMALL portions of mystery meat, green string, brown balls, and a grease rolls. I would love to tell you exactly what the crap that I ate was; the problem is that none of it was labeled. I suppose they were either too stupid to know that I don’t know what mystery meat, and green string is, or they really didn’t know themselves. I have a feeling that it was a combination of both.

As I sat down I looked at Dianne again. She could see the fear in my eyes. She asked me if I was ok. I looked at her, and then at my plate. She said, “I know”. The food had flavor – Flavor of what I am not sure, but it was not any Chinese food I had ever eaten. The brown balls were yellow inside and defiantly not made of meat. I dissected each of them to make sure they were all the same – They were. The closest I could guess is that they were either made of tofu, or some white meat substance. One thing is for sure – It was not beef. The green string I believe was cooked grass from the back yard. I had noticed that the grass was freshly cut, and this is obviously where it ends up. The mystery meat was exactly that – a mystery. It tasted like a cross between pot roast and liver. I really don’t think I even want to know what it was. After chocking down parts of the first plate, I decided to give it one more chance. I knew that they couldn’t screw up fried rice. Once again I was wrong. As I walked up the tray of fried rice, I noticed (what was left of it) it looked rather dry. As I scooped some up it made a distinct noise of dry rice. It seems that they had left the fried rice out so long that it had actually dehydrated. It was no longer cooked rice!!! I wondered to myself if they ever throw away the old food, or just leave it out to be eaten by new customers (suckers) the next day. I quickly moved on. I noticed that they had very nice looking lettuce. I took a piece. I was quite impressed with the large selection of corn dogs, and hard boiled eggs. As tempted as I was, I passed on both. I saw a sign for steamed wantons. I probably would have liked them if there were any. On I moved again, and again, and again. The fried chicken had been fried for 2 days too long and was dime size. The fish looked like it was taken from a fish tank. The Lo Mien looked…..oh wait, there was no Lo Mien…..

All in all, this place was a joke. My stomach still hurts thinking about it. The worst part was that I was charged for this crap. For the price of 2 lunch buffets, I learned some valuable lessons:

1. Always inspect a Chinese buffet BEFORE you sit down.
2. The number of cars in a parking lot have nothing to do with the quality of food.
3. A restaurant can look nice, and still serve the worst crap you have ever eaten.
4. If the trays are empty, don’t believe they will be refilled.
5. Over-frying chicken does not make it taste better.
6. Mystery meat is not fun to eat
7. Brown balls with a yellow middle are not good eats.
8. You can eat your yard clippings.
9. Fried goldfish, taste like, fried goldfish…..
10. If you ever see corndogs on a Chinese buffet – RUN.