Faith...

As many of you know, I am a masochist. I seem to enjoy torturing myself. I have no idea where this trait came from, or if I will ever loose it, but I have had it for quite some time. Now that I come to think of it, I am not sure if I am a masochist, or just plain unlucky. Well in any case… Just 2 days after my fateful trip to the, “hell of all Chinese buffets” I decided that it would be a really good idea to go to another Chinese restaurant. I know, I know, I just recovered from the horror of the last one and now you want to go do it again… I hear you. But I had Faith. Faith in a Chinese restaurant that I did not know. Faith in a chef that I had never met. Faith in a server that had never served me. In short, I had Faith.

Well, it seems Faith paid off. I was rewarded with a dinning experience that was as good as the last one was bad. We were seated by a courteous and kind waitress, given water, and handed our menus. The food was superb. It was cooked better than I was hoping for and the portions were amazing. I must say that it was probably the best Chinese food I have ever eaten. The most interesting part was that it was cheaper than the buffet that nearly killed us.

If anyone was wondering, it was the Panda resteraunt - No, not the fast food thing the see in the mall, but a real Chinese restaurant. This was the first Chinese restaurant that we went to and left before going to the hell on earth buffet. I learned my lesson. When you see Kwai Chang Caine (David Carradine) eating at a restaurant, you should know the place has good eats!!!

Alaskan Summer

I came here for the cold weather and hot women. I would like to know where all the cold weather is… Today was hot. Not the kind of hot you find in, oh say, Florida, but hot non the less. The weather report says that it is 70 degrees. I think it feels more like 80 - I was walking around breaking a sweat. This is not something that I moved here for. I moved here for the cold weather, free money and no taxes. So far I like the no taxes thing. I think I will have to wait a little while for the cold weather and free money though.

Just walking the dog

....Why did the moose cross the road????

Today was an early day. I was going to get my smoke detector fixed, and I wanted to make sure I was up early so that I heard the repairman knock. I rolled out of bed at 7:45am and took the first shower of the day. I don’t think I have been up this early in over a month. It was as bad as having to go to work. I dressed quickly and took my spot on the new couch. I started watching TV. At first I was watching leave it to beaver, then I switched to a channel that was explaining how to skin a whale. They were speaking in there native tongue, so I have no idea of what they were saying. All I know is that if you have a sharp enough blade, you can probably skin a whale in less than 4 channel changes. That would be about a half an hour to the rest of us. I finally settled on a shopping channel that was selling whale baculums. If you have no idea of what they are, just do a Google search on it and I think you will figure it out…. It is really amazing some of the things that they will sell here in Alaska. In any case, I waited, and waited, and waited some more. I had gotten up at 8:00am and I don’t even have a job. I was starting to feel like I was the red headed step child of this apartment complex. Not even the maintenance worker wanted to help me.

Feeling sad and dejected, I decided that if I had to suffer, so did Dianne. Always remembering what I was taught as a child (misery loves company) I raced into the bedroom. There she was, fast asleep, in her little million dollar nest. I pondered for a while on how best to rouse her without getting hit or verbally abused. After much thought, I decided that there was only one way. It was an ancient method that I use only on special occasions. Using it always causes the wife to wake cheerfully and without argument – But it has always cost me dearly. The method is this: I walk into the sleeping chamber, slowly rouse the sleeping wife, gently pull the covers down, and in the most energetic voice I can muster, say: “Honey, are you hungry – I am starving. I think we should go out for breakfast”. It never fails, or at least not yet. She will usually be ready in 5-10 minutes. That is pretty impressive coming from a person that swears that it is impossible to get ready in under a half hour.

So off we go to Gwennies for the best eggs and reindeer sausage this side of the Yukon. Actually I had the soup and sandwich (so did Dianne). I know it was not very creative, but I was not feeling that adventurous and I knew that I would not be able to finish the entire plate of sausage. Breakfast/Lunch was amazing and we had a great discussion about what I was going to let Dianne purchase today.

I knew that getting Dianne up early today could cause problems. It seems that she is getting very anxious to replace our current couch with a newer, less plastic version. She keeps whining about wanting more space, cushions, and comfort. I usually just smile and point out that it was only $12 at home depot. She does not seem impressed. So today we went to Baileys. No this is not a gym, or casino, it is a furniture store. The kind that serves coffee and tea in the lobby. They were also filming a commercial. I silently wondered who paid for all this coffee, tea, and commercials. It couldn’t be me – could it??? Our sales rep was quite polite and knowledgeable about all thing couch. He showed us big ones, he showed us small ones. He showed us fluffy ones, he showed us flat ones. We saw ones that were made of leather, ones that were made of cloth. We sat on couches that were made near, and ones that were made far. After sitting on every couch the store had, we decided that we should keep our options open and search some more somewhere else. Happy to leave, I eagerly agreed and headed to the door.

After getting in the car, we decided that we were tired and needed to go home to take a rest. We had been going now for at least 2 hours and were totally exhausted from all the strenuous shopping that we had been doing. While heading back home we decided to get gas. Nothing unusual happened, just the normal total of $938.88 for a tank of gas.

This is the entrance to our appartment complex. It seems that we now have a moose with babies that is going to call this home. I wonder if she is paying as much in rent as I am????

Going home we talked about our day and how we should go to the zoo tomorrow. As we turned the corner onto the road to our complex, I asked Dianne to let me out right before the gate so that I could walk the dog. Just as I said that she slammed on the bakes and stopped the car. I looked at her and told her that I wanted to be dropped off at the gate, not this far back. She just stared ahead and said, “look”. I thought she was mad at me for not wanting to take the dog for a longer walk, so I tried to explain to her how I was tired and did not feel like going for a long walk. She just stared ahead and said, “look”. Getting somewhat peeved I asked her what she was talking about. She just said, “look”. I had no idea what she was talking about. I glanced ahead of us where she should have dropped me off. What I saw was amazing. There in the trees was a fully grown mother moose eating leaves. Several feet ahead of her were her two Calves. The calves were “small”. They probably were only 300lbs each. The mother was probably closer to 1,000+. We just sat and stared while they went on eating as though nothing was wrong. A neighbor walked out of there house and right up to the moose. She was probably within 12 feet and taking pictures. I thought for sure we were going to be witnesses to a moose murder, but the moose just kept on eating. The lady went back to her house, and the moose went on to greener pastures. The very spot where the moose were eating is where I walk the dog on a nightly basis. I decided that taking the dog for a walk would never be the same. There are moose in Anchorage – Some closer than others…

Everybody was Kung Fu fighting......

WARNING: This is going to be a rant of epic proportions. I am going to use crass and harsh words that may offend some readers. I will describe things in such detail that some may wish to stop reading and vomit. If you have just eaten, or are going to eat, or have ever eaten before, you may wish to skip this post. Yes, it is about food. You have been warned. Read on – if you dare……


A good meal can be like a beautiful sunset. This was not one of them. This was more like a mangled, bloody train wreck where nobody survives. Today we decided to go out and find a good Chinese restaurant. We drove around town for a while looking for any restaurants that had a buffet. Chinese is always better when you can stuff yourself with as much of it as you can handle. I suppose we feel like we are getting our monies worth or some such thing. In any case, I have found that there are two kinds of Chinese buffets – The really good ones, and the really bad ones. I haven’t found too may that fall in the middle. Usually they are really good, or just plain crappy. In this case, it was amazing, and not in the good sense. I have got to say that this was by far the worst Chinese food I have ever eaten.

We first pulled into a restaurant that did not have a buffet, but I got a to-go menu and we read it over in the car. It had been voted #1 by small elves that deliver mattresses for several years in a row. I knew that it was a decent place to eat, because I saw David Carradine from Kung Fu Theater eating there. Against my better judgment we moved on looking for the elusive buffet.

Turning the corner, we spotted a busy looking Chinese buffet that had obviously either been a Wendy’s, or Rax in a former life. We decided that a busy parking lot was a sign of good food. We pulled in and parked. Walking in the restaurant we were impressed with the many buffet stations, and shiny brass fixtures. This place had class. We were promptly seated and given hot tea with ice water. The server advised us that we could help ourselves anytime we were ready. Dianne went first while I guarded the purse.

The restaurant seemed strangely empty for having had so many cars outside. I still have no idea where they all came from. Perhaps they were staff that just parked out in the front to make it seem busy, or it could have been the cars of the dead patrons that had already eaten there. The cars were a warning: this many people have died here today…. In any case the car will always be a mystery, for I will never go back there to find out where they came from.

As Dianne returned and sat down I looked at her plate to see what she had gotten – It looked good. She had various dishes that resembled food of sorts. As I began to exit, I glanced at her. She had a worried/scared look on her face. I thought that perhaps she had seen the kitchen and not been too impressed. Seconds later I would learn why she had the worried look on her face.

I grabbed a plate and eagerly headed to the first station. I was greeted with trays that were either 90% empty, or just plain disgusting looking. I figured that they were just changing the trays and fresh food would be out shortly. I was sadly mistaken. The restaurant stated that they had a 60 item buffet. That would probably be true if all the trays were filled. The problem was that most of them were empty. As I browsed the crap I scooped up SMALL portions of mystery meat, green string, brown balls, and a grease rolls. I would love to tell you exactly what the crap that I ate was; the problem is that none of it was labeled. I suppose they were either too stupid to know that I don’t know what mystery meat, and green string is, or they really didn’t know themselves. I have a feeling that it was a combination of both.

As I sat down I looked at Dianne again. She could see the fear in my eyes. She asked me if I was ok. I looked at her, and then at my plate. She said, “I know”. The food had flavor – Flavor of what I am not sure, but it was not any Chinese food I had ever eaten. The brown balls were yellow inside and defiantly not made of meat. I dissected each of them to make sure they were all the same – They were. The closest I could guess is that they were either made of tofu, or some white meat substance. One thing is for sure – It was not beef. The green string I believe was cooked grass from the back yard. I had noticed that the grass was freshly cut, and this is obviously where it ends up. The mystery meat was exactly that – a mystery. It tasted like a cross between pot roast and liver. I really don’t think I even want to know what it was. After chocking down parts of the first plate, I decided to give it one more chance. I knew that they couldn’t screw up fried rice. Once again I was wrong. As I walked up the tray of fried rice, I noticed (what was left of it) it looked rather dry. As I scooped some up it made a distinct noise of dry rice. It seems that they had left the fried rice out so long that it had actually dehydrated. It was no longer cooked rice!!! I wondered to myself if they ever throw away the old food, or just leave it out to be eaten by new customers (suckers) the next day. I quickly moved on. I noticed that they had very nice looking lettuce. I took a piece. I was quite impressed with the large selection of corn dogs, and hard boiled eggs. As tempted as I was, I passed on both. I saw a sign for steamed wantons. I probably would have liked them if there were any. On I moved again, and again, and again. The fried chicken had been fried for 2 days too long and was dime size. The fish looked like it was taken from a fish tank. The Lo Mien looked…..oh wait, there was no Lo Mien…..

All in all, this place was a joke. My stomach still hurts thinking about it. The worst part was that I was charged for this crap. For the price of 2 lunch buffets, I learned some valuable lessons:

1. Always inspect a Chinese buffet BEFORE you sit down.
2. The number of cars in a parking lot have nothing to do with the quality of food.
3. A restaurant can look nice, and still serve the worst crap you have ever eaten.
4. If the trays are empty, don’t believe they will be refilled.
5. Over-frying chicken does not make it taste better.
6. Mystery meat is not fun to eat
7. Brown balls with a yellow middle are not good eats.
8. You can eat your yard clippings.
9. Fried goldfish, taste like, fried goldfish…..
10. If you ever see corndogs on a Chinese buffet – RUN.

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

This is the TV stand that only took 2 hours (half a day...) to put together

Ok, so now that we have gotten the million dollar bed we needed to set up the “do-it- yourself” TV stand so that we would have a place to put the TV. Problem is that we have to put the stand together before we can put anything on it. Since I did not see me convincing Dianne to put it together, I started the project myself. It was a small box that contained only several thousand pieces. It was like an erecter set from hell. Sure….the picture makes it look small and unassuming, but I know better. I was there -With all 734,934 pieces. The box said it would only take 2 or so hours to put together. I suppose in China that means half a day. I laughed, I cried, I jumped up and down trying to make all the tiny parts fit together. For something that looks so simple, I was amazed how hard it was to make it all fit. Oh, by the way – Yes, you can make a round peg fit in a square hole. I know, because it did it – several times. All it takes is a big enough hammer, or in my case, the back of a screwdriver. When it was all done, I was relieved to know that I too could put together something that was made by an 8 year old in China.

High class couch purchased from Home Depot

We now have a TV, a TV stand, and cable, but what do we sit on. What else would someone that just spent a million dollars on a mattress of gold sit on…..? Yea, that’s right - Lawn furniture. Not just any lawn furniture mind you, but plastic lawn furniture from Home Depot. Real high class this stuff is. I used to have the exact same one in Florida. Of course, it was in the back yard, and used to pass out on it after mowing the yard, but that was a different time and place. This is Alaska!! A place where you can drive a new $50,000 Corvette, and still live in a run down trailer, or in an abandoned school bus. Or on a street corner as the case may be (his name is Bill – Long story…). So now I have all the comforts of home, except for a dining room table. Of course I did see an empty wooden wire spool the other day. It would make a fine addition to our decor. I sure hope I get it before someone else does.

Sitting back relaxing on my high class couch, I decided that I should watch some TV. It is extremely early in the mourning (11:30am) and I wonder aloud if anything will be on. To my amazement, there are shows on this early in the morning. I guess that I should have known better. For some reason when we subscribed to the cable, the young lady that helped us out advised us that there would be some “extra – free” channels. We get over 600 channels. No – that is not an exaggeration, we really do get that may channels. I have yet to figure out what one does with all those channels, but I do get hi-def channels also. Not sure what that is, but I get them…. So there I am, sitting back, relaxing, watching a show about……Alaska. Who would have guessed? It was on The Learning Channel, so I was hoping I would learn something – I did. I learned that when one watches a show about a state that they are in, nothing good will ever come of it. I guess the neighbors did not like the show either, because they started to pound on the wall and walk really heavy on the floor. Then they started to shake the wall. Wow, they really must have not liked that show. They then proceeded to shake the ENTIRE building. Ok, ok, I turned off the TV and they still were shaking the building. About that time is when I realized that we were having an earthquake. The floor was moving back and forth, and I was scared that my drink was going to tip off my couch. Just about that time, everything settled down and the shaking stopped. I knew that this had scared the pants off of Dianne, so I ran into the bedroom to check on her. I asked if she was ok - I got yelled at for waking her up. It seems that the million dollar bed is earthquake proof. If the world around you is shaking, just jump into it and fall asleep. I suppose this is the same bed that James Bond sleeps in. After being lectured about why I should not wake up a sleeping wife, I went back to the couch to finish watching my show. I turned it on and what were they talking about???? Of course, the 1964 earthquake in Alaska that was the second largest ever recorded. It was a 9.2 and killed many people. That is when I turned the TV off and decided that I was probably better off not watching it. Later that day I would find out that the earthquake was a 4.7 and centered about 60 miles north of us. They said there were aftershocks, but I was too busy sleeping in the million dollar bed….

Oh, give me a home, where the Moose roam…….

Ok, so now we have a place to live, a TV and a nuclear weapon….ok, ok, Dianne would not let me get the last one, but I sure put up a good fight for it. In getting said place to live, we were required to jump through more hoops, show more id, and prove that we had more money than any homeless person should ever have to endure. Once we were able to secure our new residence, what is the first thing one must do to prove they live there??? That’s right – go shopping for a new bed. Now shopping for a bed is always good fun when you know the town you are living in, but when you are getting a bed in a town you have no idea about, it takes the fun to a whole new level. Anchorage has roughly, oh say, 200 mattress stores. Out of those, about half we were able to find. Of the half we were able to find about half had beds that were in our price range (less than $10,000 – they really do have beds out there that are that expensive….). Of those, only a handful were staffed by people that were qualified to be selling anything, much less a bed. I did however like the sales associate that explained that he was formerly homeless, but had turned his life around….. We did not buy our bed from that store. After visiting many stores and lying on more beds that I will ever want to lay on again, we decided to go back to the very first store we visited. After much arm wrestling and some good body blows, Dianne convinced me that we really did need a bed. So I gave in…. I let her pick the mattress she wanted. The problem was that the one she wanted was $239,884.99. I was beat, I had laid on more beds than Pamela Anderson and I really did not care anymore. I told her that she could get the bed if we could stay in Anchorage for another 847 years just to make sure we got good use out of the mattress. She agreed. So off we went to our happy and jubilant sales rep. His eyes lit up and he started drooling when we told him what we wanted. I tried to run, but Dianne tripped me. I just laid there like a slug. I waited for the rep to go tell his boss how he could now afford the new Corvette that he had been wanting, but when he came back, something was wrong – very wrong. He looked different, sad. Like someone had just stolen his first born and was putting it up for bidding on eBay. He walked over and told us that he had some good news and some bad news. We opted for the good news first. The good news was that he did not have the mattress in stock, but he could order it and get it in right away. I asked what the bad news was…. Well, he went on to explain that in Alaska when something is ordered “right away”, it could take up to 4 weeks to arrive. I was filled with glee and happiness, yet at the same time wanted to cry. We had fought for the entire day, and finally decided on the “perfect” mattress, and now it could take 4 weeks to arrive. I asked Dianne if she wanted to wait. The look that I received did not need words. It was much the same sensation that one gets when looking directly into a laser or at the sun for extended periods of time. I knew that we must find a mattress today, or die trying. So off we went to every mattress store that had the brand that we wanted. There were none to be found. Dianne and I were dejected. There was no way that we were going to sleep on the floor or in sleeping bags for an entire month. So what did we do? Well, I had a little ace up my sleeve. We went back to the original mattress store and I had Dianne lie down on a bed that was just like the one that we wanted, but required proof of income to lie down on. It was ridiculously expensive, but is had several things going for it. First, it was just like the bed we wanted, but Dianne liked it more. Second, it was in stock. Third, it was in stock. Since it was in stock and would be delivered be small elves wearing gold and green dresses throwing pixie dust, I decided to buy it. The Sales rep was happy, Dianne was happy, and I was happy. I would now never have to buy a mattress again. Not because I did not want to, but because I could not afford to. I asked Dianne to have the mattress buried with me, but I don’t think she heard me.

In the spirit of spending all my money in one day, I decided it would be a great idea to get a new TV, a TV stand, and a computer desk. Dianne thought that I had been smoking something that they sell on corners here and drinking heavily. Actually I knew that only the TV would be expensive. The other two items could be had for less than $100!!! I had been doing some undercover shopping while she was not looking, and found some really good deals. So off we went to get the whole lot. It took less than half a day to acquire all the necessary item to make a livable house. I figured that getting a TV would be a great distraction for me and perhaps help me forget about the million dollar bed….. The TV stand was a great place to put the TV, and the computer desk was a great place to….well….er….do computer like things. Plus, it looked really nice on the box….. Yea, that is how I saved lots of money on the stand and desk. You see, they are real wood, or at least real wood pieces, and look really nice once put together. The problem is that, “some assemble required”. I now know how they get there kicks in China. What they do is make really nice, cheap furniture, and send it over here. The joke is that in the instructions they say that the “estimated” assembly time is only 2.5 hours. Yea, right. I worked on the desk for over 5 hours and was only half done. They should have said, “The reason this is so cheap is due to the fact that you will have to spend more time putting it together than you will working on it…” That’s ok, I was done at only 2:30am and the sun was just setting, but that’s a whole other story.